This is the 2nd time in 49 years I’ve woken up alone on Christmas morning. And yet, there is such warmth in knowing I’m not “really” alone. For years I’ve been on this journey to find myself. To know myself. To understand the deeper meaning of it all. Through deep self-exploration and quiet, reflective moments, I’ve learned a lot. Each time I cocoon, I get a little closer to “me.” The deepest unraveling happened the year I lived in Japan. The 1st Christmas I spent alone.
The second deep unraveling was my divorce and now here I sit on Christmas morning just days after the winter solstice in deep contemplation of my life. I teach others about the importance of practicing self-care and getting quiet and reflective during the last fews weeks of the year and yet, year after year I’m out with the rest of the world running around; exhausting myself to the core. This year was different. Not having my daughter gave me the opportunity to be with myself; to look deep within my soul and get really quiet. You see, we cannot grow and heal and love more if we don’t take time to reflect. We have to “want” it and then we have to be intentional with our thoughts and have a willingness to be present. And then it begins. The insights, the hard truths, the realizations … all come to light. There are moments of overwhelm, and extreme loneliness. Sadness and depression arise and then, fear and anxiety. Anger and resentment materialize and the victim emerges and you see all the insecurities. There’s a yearning to run and not feel any of it, but you stay and listen and breathe and feel and then it’s done. You made it. You survived. And somehow you’re more whole. More expansive. More connected and at peace. You are free. It’s Christmas and I’m sitting quietly beneath a warm cozy blanket with a cup of coffee In reverence and awe of all that I’ve endured. There’s a simplicity and grace to this quiet singular moment while the rest of the world is out with abandon unwrapping gifts and snapping photos in the excitement of it all. To all the beautiful souls alone this morning, I see you and I’m sending an immense amount of love. Post your own selfie and know that you are not alone. I will hold you and you, me.
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I'm going to be honest and just speak from the heart. The holidays are a bit different for me this year. It's one of the many unfortunate consequences of a divorce; being separated from your child. People tell me I will get use to it and that it will get easier, but I don't know that I will ever be comfortable being apart from my daughter. She is my heart and soul. She was born from my body. I am a part of her and she of me. There is no greater bond.
This will be the very first Christmas morning I wake up without her. I will not get to hear the little footsteps running down the stairs to see if Santa came or whether or not he took the letter and enjoyed the cookies and carrots we left for him and the reindeer. The void in my heart is indescribable, yet I know there are many parents out there who have lost their child to suicide, an illness, or some horrible tragedy and they do not get the luxury of seeing their child again. I do. What an incredible blessing. Although I know I'm blessed, I cannot discount or ignore the present ache in my heart so I hold {both} tendering. The grief of not having her here and the joy in knowing that she will be with me again soon. It's such a beautiful practice to hold this dichotomy so reverently. Our feelings are part of the human experience and we must honor them and feel them, but not get stuck in the muck of them. This life we are living is too precious to live amongst all this stress and anxiety. Things happen that are out of our control, but it's how we handle these moments and how we choose to live our lives afterwards that truly matters. Thankfully, we do get to control how we respond and where we put our attention. That said, I'm choosing to do something good. Something healing and from the heart. The mat is where I go to heal, to restore and to get the rest and energy I need to live my best life, so instead of being sad, I'm rolling out the mat on Christmas Eve and doing something I love. Yoga! Teaching is my greatest gift and brings me an immense amount of joy. If you're interested in practicing, but the time doesn't work with your schedule, I'm offering a recorded option so please see the details below. My heart and soul are always with you. Love & Light, BeAnne 🖤🖤🖤 Zoom Live Stream: Saturday December 24th, 9:30am-10:30am EDT. The session will open at 9:15am so please arrive early to get settled so you are ready to begin at 9:30am. Step #1 Send Payment: Cost: $15 Two Payment Platforms. Venmo: BeAnne-Creeger PayPal: [email protected] Recorded Option: Pre-pay (payment information above) and include "Recording" in the notes of either Venmo or Paypal and I'll send you the link after class on Saturday. Step #2 Register (Required): https://us02web.zoom.us/meeting/register/tZEsdOqtrTItE9Vun4aeXfsgneZfaHSBWKXX After registering, you will receive another email with link to join class (Save this for Saturday). ![]() I’m going to be 50 next month and not where I thought I would be. That’s hard for someone who grew up wanting to save the world, to be loved fiercely, and to be happily married with children. I was always a bit of a dreamer because I believed in good. I believed in love. I believed in the human heart. Along the way, the innocence was dismantled and I had to face a lot of cruel realizations. You cannot love someone into loving you. You cannot change someone’s experiences or the consequences of those experiences. You can’t undo the conditioning of another or the mental constructs that limit the ability to have a deep emotional connection. You cannot make right the injustices of the world or override a person’s reaction to trauma. My life forever changed January 2019 and the life I once knew was gone. It can happen just like that and so unexpectedly. One day you’re married and happy and living your best life and the next you’re alone and grieving and trying to put your life back together. Being a single mom and responsible for a home and a career and a little human is not easy. Letting go of a man I adored and loved deeply … not easy. Being almost 50 and aging and alone … terrifying. And yet, I sit here looking at this photo and have so much reverence and respect for the woman I’ve become. I’ve earned the emotional grit and the inner strength that comes from walking through fire and I’ve done a lot of healing to get here. Finally giving to myself what I gave to others. My heart. My love. My loyalty. My commitment to be true and honest and kind. My silliness. My laughter. My sense of adventure. My playfulness. My willingness to try something new. To learn. To grow. To be fully present and engaged. I have a career I love, friends and family who would do anything for me, my health, a happy home, and a beautiful child who is deeply connected to my soul. My wish for the new year is that you, too, find a deep reservoir of self-love and that you give to yourself the unique offerings you’ve been giving to others. You deserve it. I deserve it. WE deserve it. |
AuthorA wise woman once said, "fuck this shit" and she lived happily ever after. Archives
September 2023
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