Alone for Christmas
This is the 2nd time in 49 years I’ve woken up alone on Christmas morning. And yet, there is such warmth in knowing I’m not “really” alone. For years I’ve been on this journey to find myself. To know myself. To understand the deeper meaning of it all. Through deep self-exploration and quiet, reflective moments, I’ve learned a lot. Each time I cocoon, I get a little closer to “me.” The deepest unraveling happened the year I lived in Japan. The 1st Christmas I spent alone.
The second deep unraveling was my divorce and now here I sit on Christmas morning just days after the winter solstice in deep contemplation of my life. I teach others about the importance of practicing self-care and getting quiet and reflective during the last fews weeks of the year and yet, year after year I’m out with the rest of the world running around; exhausting myself to the core.
This year was different. Not having my daughter gave me the opportunity to be with myself; to look deep within my soul and get really quiet. You see, we cannot grow and heal and love more if we don’t take time to reflect. We have to “want” it and then we have to be intentional with our thoughts and have a willingness to be present. And then it begins.
The insights, the hard truths, the realizations … all come to light. There are moments of overwhelm, and extreme loneliness. Sadness and depression arise and then, fear and anxiety. Anger and resentment materialize and the victim emerges and you see all the insecurities. There’s a yearning to run and not feel any of it, but you stay and listen and breathe and feel and then it’s done. You made it. You survived. And somehow you’re more whole. More expansive. More connected and at peace. You are free.
It’s Christmas and I’m sitting quietly beneath a warm cozy blanket with a cup of coffee In reverence and awe of all that I’ve endured. There’s a simplicity and grace to this quiet singular moment while the rest of the world is out with abandon unwrapping gifts and snapping photos in the excitement of it all.
To all the beautiful souls alone this morning, I see you and I’m sending an immense amount of love. Post your own selfie and know that you are not alone. I will hold you and you, me.
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A wise woman once said, "fuck this shit" and she lived happily ever after.