I’m going to be 50 next month and not where I thought I would be. That’s hard for someone who grew up wanting to save the world, to be loved fiercely, and to be happily married with children. I was always a bit of a dreamer because I believed in good. I believed in love. I believed in the human heart. Along the way, the innocence was dismantled and I had to face a lot of cruel realizations.
You cannot love someone into loving you. You cannot change someone’s experiences or the consequences of those experiences. You can’t undo the conditioning of another or the mental constructs that limit the ability to have a deep emotional connection. You cannot make right the injustices of the world or override a person’s reaction to trauma.
My life forever changed January 2019 and the life I once knew was gone. It can happen just like that and so unexpectedly. One day you’re married and happy and living your best life and the next you’re alone and grieving and trying to put your life back together.
Being a single mom and responsible for a home and a career and a little human is not easy. Letting go of a man I adored and loved deeply … not easy. Being almost 50 and aging and alone … terrifying.
And yet, I sit here looking at this photo and have so much reverence and respect for the woman I’ve become. I’ve earned the emotional grit and the inner strength that comes from walking through fire and I’ve done a lot of healing to get here.
Finally giving to myself what I gave to others. My heart. My love. My loyalty. My commitment to be true and honest and kind. My silliness. My laughter. My sense of adventure. My playfulness. My willingness to try something new. To learn. To grow. To be fully present and engaged.
I have a career I love, friends and family who would do anything for me, my health, a happy home, and a beautiful child who is deeply connected to my soul. My wish for the new year is that you, too, find a deep reservoir of self-love and that you give to yourself the unique offerings you’ve been giving to others. You deserve it. I deserve it. WE deserve it.
A wise woman once said, "fuck this shit" and she lived happily ever after.