Hiding Behind the Mask of Addiction February 6, 2010
Posted by admin in : People, Spiritual Growth Tags:addictions, bad habits, emotional baggage, Spiritual Growth, vulnerability , add a commentIf you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!
As a culture, we hide from ourselves in an attempt to mask the deeper truths that exist within us. There are old wounds, trauma, heartache, loss, and other forms of suffering trapped in the body. The brain, central nervous system, and other parts of the body are effected by our senses and by our emotions and thoughts. Judgments and criticism have reined the human psyche for years. The need for validation and approval have left us insecure and weak. The loss of control as a society and as individuals have left us scared and vulnerable. The evolution of technology and luxury of electronics have created a society where communication has become superficial. We have become sheltered and exposed to the kind of suffering that makes us shrink in the face of our corrupt government and the destruction of our divine mother.
It’s no wonder we tune out and detach from ourselves and the intimacy of another. We find one distraction after another to conceal the damaging affects life has had on us and yet we don’t even realize it. We’re all addicted to something that shelters us from seeing the truth and if we don’t do something about it, we’re going to be destroyed and there will be no one to blame, but ourselves.
We have to remove the barriers and stop self-medicating. We need to get out of our head and stop listening to the stories we tell ourselves. We must get quiet and listen for the only way we are going to hear the truth is to be still and uninhibited by the false sense of self . This takes dedication and perseverance and isn’t always easy, but if we want to evolve and clear the baggage out of our life, we must do some personal work. It’s no wonder we’re not at peace. We need to stop hiding behind our addictions and technology and be more willing to be vulnerable and open and willing to let go of the past.
Remove a bad habit out of your life for a month and see what comes up for you. Whether it be turning off the television for a month or not drinking or eating sweets, make a commitment and stand by your promise. Stuff will come up and the ego will try and pull the mask back on. You might find yourself irritated or sad or relentless in your pursuit to defy the “stupid” idea of letting go of something that has been so satisfying and rewarding for so many years, but don’t judge it. Simply stay with it and observe and see what happens. You will get a lot of clarity and insight about yourself in a way you never dreamed possible.
All the answers are within us and there is peace and love and a lot of light in our heart, but we have to be willing to reconnect to our center by clearing out the congested energy and come out from hiding behind the comforts we’ve put in to place in attempt to protect ourselves from being hurt. Take off the mask, open your heart, and dive in. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, give yourself permission to be emotional, and embrace the freedom that comes from such inquiry and self-exploration.
Validation as an Obstacle January 31, 2010
Posted by admin in : writing Tags:The Artist Way, validation, writer's block, writing , 2commentsWhy do we find it necessary to seek validation? Why can’t we be good enough without the approval of another? These are questions I pondered, as a result of reading, “The Artist Way.” The book is about unblocking the creative channels that prevent us from taping in to the ultimate creative source. Who knew there was actually a road map to reveal the creative genius within? I’ve spent my entire life trying to convince my artistic friends that I wasn’t creative…that I was “left-brained” and not a forward non-linear right-brained artist.
I actually believed it because that’s what I was made to think of myself as a small child growing up on a farm in a strict Fundamentalist Independent Baptist environment. Girls were meant to be seen and not heard and had no place in a man’s life except to cook his meals and conceive his children. This is the kind of brain-washing that gets programmed in the physiology of the body, which takes deliberate effort to heal and reprogram. Being aware and recognizing the blocks in your life is the first step to overcoming them, but it takes effort and a commitment to the journey within and it’s not always easy.
After years of self-exploration, I came to understand that some of the social and cultural influences of my life were actually blocking me from living a healthy and fulfilling life so I was determined to set myself free from that which hampered the flow of creative energy. Through various exercises in The Artist Way, I discovered my need for validation as one of those obstacles because I use to say I didn’t care what anyone thought of me, but then I would turn around and let judgments and negative feedback of others influence how I lived my life. Measuring success by the validation of others was clearly not congruent nor aligned with my higher purpose and it was obviously preventing me from writing without second-guessing myself.
I was too caught up with how other people might feel about the things I had to say so I was actually writing with an intention not to hurt anyone’s feelings, which was ultimately preventing me from writing at all. In the process, I realized I would never get the world’s stamp of approval, as we are all on different journeys with different perceptions and different influences and upbringing.
If every author wrote for someones approval, there wouldn’t be any books to read so I can only write for myself and let go of what other people might think because what happens if I successfully publish my book and still don’t have every one’s approval? Does that mean my book was a failure? No. I can’t judge my writing based on what other people think. I have to be authentic and write for me because I love to write and love to share my experience in hopes that others will learn something about their own authentic self and grow in a similar way.
Accept the Ignorance and own the Anger January 18, 2010
Posted by admin in : Life 101, People, Relationships Tags:anger, awareness, consciousness, Ignorance , add a commentI spoke to a good friend the other night and she was really upset with all the anger she was feeling towards her mom. She just wanted it to go away so she could be happy again and I could relate to what she was saying. It’s frustrating not being able to understand some of the choices or decisions people make in their life, but there’s nothing you can do about it because each person is on their own journey exploring life through his or her own eyes and only acting in accordance to what he or she knows. It may not make sense to you, but that’s life.
You will only exhaust yourself trying to understand so have faith that everything happens for a reason and everyone is interconnected and a part of the greater whole so every person and every being has its place in the world. If your consciousness expands and someone else’s doesn’t, whether it be a partner, a family member, a friend, or colleague, you probably won’t be able to connect with them in the same way, as we are only able to operate within the capacity of our past experiences and social and cultural upbringing. You simply can’t explain the way you see life and expect everyone to “get it” because we’re all in different places spiritually, physically, and emotionally. You can only love them for who they are and the path they are on and know they are doing the best they can with the tools they were given.
And you can’t take it personally because there’s a lot of ignorance out there and a lot of people sleep walking through life. Some people just don’t get it and will never get it…not in this lifetime any way and there’s nothing you can do about it so just accept what you’re feeling and be present with whatever arises. Every time I try and understand people and some of the choices they make, I get angry and I feel alone in my thoughts and beliefs and it makes me wish I never started down the spiritual path, but I would never go back…not for anything in the world.
I just have to honor my feelings as they come up and not label them as good or bad. Feelings are a part of life and we need to allow and accept all that is within us, which is why I laugh when someone asks how I’m doing and I say, “angry” and they look at me like I’m crazy. People think I’m always “happy,” but I’m human and I get downright mad at times and I’m not going to suppress my feelings and pretend they don’t exist because I know the anger or sadness or whatever I’m feeling will subside a lot sooner if I just allow myself to feel whatever it is I’m feeling.
Developing a Home Yoga Practice January 14, 2010
Posted by admin in : Yoga Tags:commitment, home practice, realistic expectations, Yoga , add a commentA home practice can empower you beyond measure, but the only way to truly understand the power behind it is to try it and see for yourself. Just make sure not to take on too much, too fast because often times we set good intentions to start something new and then never follow through with it because our goals were too too high or unrealistic.
The first hurdle I stumbled upon, as I set out to create a home practice was the time constraint. Getting up and doing yoga every morning for 20 minutes wasn’t a realistic expectation for someone just beginning, but my ego was stuck in the more is better mentality and my unrealistic expectations made it just about impossible for me to practice every day. After years of struggling to understand why I couldn’t incorporate a daily routine in to my life, I decided to try and do it for just 5 minutes a day and not only did it work, I inevitably ended up practicing longer because once my body started to move, it didn’t want to stop and I was okay with it since it was my choice and not something I was forcing myself to do.
The second hurdle was locking myself in to a certain time frame. People say meditation and yoga practice should be done at the same time every day because our bodies demand routine and certain rest periods in between periods of activity in order to receive the full benefits of a spiritual practice. Well, it wasn’t initially realistic for me to lock down a specific time so I gave myself freedom to practice whenever I wanted. I had to trust and listen to my own inner teacher as to what would work best for me and setting up a strict schedule in the beginning wasn’t best for my rebellious inner child.
The third hurdle I had to get past was thinking I wouldn’t get anything out of a shorter practice, as I was so conditioned to the all or nothing mentality. My ego kept creating excuses not to practice until I changed my frame of thinking. What I realized was that even 5 minutes a day was good for my body and mind and doing it a little each day was better than simply doing one long practice a week.
Good habits take time and patience to instill so be kind and gentle with yourself. Set realistic expectations, give yourself freedom and room to make mistakes, and let go of how it’s suppose to look. A home yoga practice is like brushing your teeth. It’s not something you think about or question, right? You do it because it keeps your teeth healthy and clean. It’s a minimal investment that will pay off for years to come so roll out your mat and have some fun!
Love Interrupted December 11, 2009
Posted by admin in : Relationships Tags:commitment, love, Relationships , add a commentAbout a month ago, I posted a piece about letting go of the dream to have a family, but in letting go, I realized a higher truth…my truth. The only two things I’ve ever known for certain were that my feelings were real and that I wanted a family, but somewhere along the line I allowed other people’s jaded views on relationships to interfere with mine. I’ve been told that moving in with someone or marrying someone or having a child with someone changes everything. The romance, the excitement of being together, the relationship; everything. Well of course it does…that’s life. We’re meant to evolve and grow and change is a part of the process and if the relationship doesn’t work out, so what? Move on.
If I were afraid of being hurt, I would have missed out on some really beautiful relationships. I don’t regret anything I’ve done because I’ve always jumped in headfirst and really lived whatever experience was before me regardless of how it ended. And maybe I’m not meant to be a mother or a wife, but I want to know that I at least have the option…that it’s a possibility. And if I’m not meant to exercise the option to have either, I, at the very least, want to know I’m with someone who loves me enough to want to share his life with me under the same roof…to share space with me and all my imperfections.
Sure, nothing will ever be as spectacular as the first moment you met or the first kiss you shared, but there’s something to be said about really getting to know someone and loving them that much more. I don’t want to wake up 10 years from now living in my house with my boyfriend living in his. I want to spend every night beside his warm body and wake up to the soft morning whisper of his voice. I want to have coffee with him and see each other off, as we begin our day. And I want to be there when he comes home from work to hear about his day and life and everything in between. I want to be there to support his dreams and share in his journey. I want to play and laugh and explore and live life together and I’m not going to settle for someone who would rather be alone than to take a chance in love.
We all have a past and we’ve all been hurt, but if you hold back your heart, then you are living in fear and you are living in past experience. How can you create new experiences and grow spiritually if you are not willing to take a chance and move forward? Life is too short not to open your heart and love like you’ve never been hurt, but perhaps some people are just not capable of the kind of love I have in my heart. I don’t know. I just don’t understand why someone would let the person they love walk away because they’re afraid of repeating the past. Only one of two things could happen. Either the relationship would work or it wouldn’t and if it didn’t, then you would be alone any way so why cho0se to be alone without giving it a chance. If it did work, then you would get to experience a love greater than you ever expected so why not at least try?
Be Your Own Teacher November 11, 2009
Posted by admin in : Spiritual Growth , add a commentWhy isn’t there more peace in the world and for that matter, why isn’t there more peace in each and every one of our hearts? I think it’s because we are afraid…afraid of not being good enough…afraid of failure. Of course we don’t want to live in fear so we reflect our pain on to others by blaming and judging. We throw ourselves in to our work and relationships and get caught up in other people’s drama. We overeat, drink, or find some other addiction to satisfy our inadequacies. We sit mindlessly in front of the tv or the computer and it’s only taking us farther and farther away from ourselves.
A couple days ago I walked in to a bookstore and as I looked around, I couldn’t help, but notice all the books on Religion, Diet, Self-help, and Fiction. Where were all the books on Science, Spirituality, and other practical applications? Of course they were there, but not to the same degree. I got to thinking how this ironically shows up everywhere in our life. Think about all the reality-based television shows people obsess about or all the people that fill their time with everything and anything just to avoid spending time in their own skin. Why are we running from ourselves? Are we just scared of what we will see if we take a really good long hard look at ourselves and is this because of what media and social and cultural programming has done to our culture?
Why should we just take the word of another mortal instead of listening to our own authentic selves? We put more trust in the media, medical professionals, and our peers than our own truth. We have lost touch with what’s really important in life and we’re being led through life like puppets and doing nothing about it. As a culture, we are constantly releasing negative energy and continue to contribute as taker instead of seekers. We can’t continue down this path for very much longer, as people need to start taking accountability for their own lives and awaken to something greater. We need to start trusting ourselves and listening to our inner teacher. We’ve all had our fair share of turmoil and there is a lot of suffering in the world, but that can’t stop us from honoring our inner most being and listening to our higher selves and moving through life more consciously. Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just an excuse not to learn or grow spiritually.
The mind and body are so powerful that all we have to do is want change…want growth…want to let go of baggage and old programming. Put it out there and let your intention start as a seed and then cultivate it through some kind of spiritual practice and watch how fast and abundantly your flower grows and once it starts to sprout, there’s no turning back. You will be engulfed in more joy than you ever dreamed possible.
Rebirth November 5, 2009
Posted by admin in : Spiritual Growth Tags:awareness, dreams, freedom, letting go, marriage, trust , add a commentPeople often ask me if I’m ”always” happy and I can’t help, but laugh because I’m the most sensitive person on the planet. Just because I have a positive outlook on life and live everyday to it’s fullest, doesn’t mean I don’t go through rough periods or experience sadness or even bouts of depression. None of us are spared from the shadow. We just handle it differently and I, personally, choose to deal with it head on because I know that being sensitive and allowing myself to feel every passing emotion creates beautiful space and a shift in consciousness that brings about profound awareness and mental clarity. My journey is about exploring the inner truth that seeks to be sought, as I want to grow and learn as much as I can.
The problem is that sometimes we don’t want to see the truth because often times it can be painful. For me most recently, it was realizing my dream to be married and have children might not ever happen. After finding myself in another relationship with someone who didn’t believe in the constitution of marriage, I knew it was time to face the fact that my journey might be something other than I had hoped. I just couldn’t continue thinking about it and dreaming about it while knowing I was in a relationship with someone who dreamed otherwise. The alternative was to leave a man I loved, but my feelings were too strong so I had to let go.
Letting it go didn’t happen overnight, as it took me revisiting it and going over it in my mind again and again. What made it so difficult was the ego telling me I didn’t deserve to be married or have a child, that I was being punished for something, which is just old programming and conditioning from the past. Our spirits know better because when it comes right down to it, we are all worthy of the absolute very best and if I were truly meant to get married or have a child, it would happen whether I obsessed about it or not so why not just let it go and be free?
Even though I finally found the emotional strength and confidence in myself to let it go, it wasn’t easy. When a person holds on to a dream for so long, it becomes a part of the body’s physiology and letting go of old patterns can illicit strong emotions so I went through a bout of depression. My spirit felt lost and my hope smothered by despair, but I knew that a huge spiritual transformation was about to occur so I had to allow myself to feel the sadness because the only way for a person to know light is to know dark.
In order to shine out from within, you have to be willing to sit in the shadow and endure a little suffering or heartache in order to really awaken and open your eyes to a higher truth. The more in touch you can get with your pain, the more in touch you will be with life, but that means getting to know it, being one with it, feeling it on every level. Once feelings surface, they can be released and what remains is a new sense of direction and a greater understanding of self and how it relates to the world.
Life is about living and dying, as one cannot be with the other just like the sun cannot be without the moon or the day without night. When something begins to shift energetically, you have to be patient because in order for transformation to occur, you have to be willing to let go of old thought patterns…old ideas…old social and cultural programming. This can feel like death in a way, but once the dark shadow clears, an absolutely radiant light fills the soul and you feel a sense of freedom you’ve never felt before.
I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow or the next day. I just know right here right now and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and the freest I’ve ever felt. I’m creating my own destiny now…what I want…what I need…what I deserve and it feels so good not to be trapped behind a fairytale anymore. I wish more people were committed to the journey because the shift in global consciousness would be a collective uprising of positive energy that would have such a huge impact on the world.
People just need to stop following the minds of others and have more confidence in themselves, as people tend to beat to the sound of our culture’s drum just going with the flow like puppets being pulled by the strings of politics and media. I realize it’s much easier to follow traditions and societal riches than to do the work necessary to grow spiritually, but we’re never going to evolve as a culture if we remain stuck in the old way of doing things.
Awake AGAIN! August 22, 2009
Posted by admin in : Yoga , add a commentIt was 2:30am and suddenly I was wide awake…thinking and analyzing and listening to the mind tell the same story over and over again like a broken record. It wouldn’t be so bad if the early wake-up call was a single isolated incident, but every other night for 3 weeks had me flustered. I tried the yoga postures I knew for calming, I tried eating raw honey, which is known to induce sleep, and I tried slow deep rhythmic breathing, but none of the holistic remedies worked and I was tired of tossing and turning so I finally got up at 4am.
I worked on my book for a bit, but when the words started to blur across the screen, I went for a 2 hour bike ride and watched the sun come up over the hazy horizon. I went down to the river and meditated and then came home and made a pot of coffee. I drank a couple cups with breakfast, read some of my book and it was still only 8:30am. It felt like an entire day had passed and I still had a full day ahead of me. I was exhausted, but couldn’t sleep and my mind was still streaming with thought.
I needed some love and a nice gentle yoga class to calm the stress I was feeling in my mind, in my heart, and in my body so I took off to the studio. I was looking forward to the practice because one of my friends was teaching and I really needed to be in her energy and in the company of someone who understood me and could relate to my fragile state of mind. I knew everything would be okay once I got on the mat, but when my friend didn’t show up to teach I was a bit disenchanted.
I spent the next 90 minutes annoyed. I detested every pose and I hated having to hold them longer than my body wanted. The music did not resonate with me nor did the tone of the teacher’s voice. I was miserable all around and just wanted the class to end, but time seemed to stand still. I was irritated and grumpy and became more and more irked as the clock ticked by.
My best friend called me on the way home to see how I was doing and catch up, but she was met with petulance, as I was exasperated from the class. I apologized and told her I was just tired from getting up so early and didn’t mean to be so cranky. My tantrum and attempt to hide what was really going on didn’t deter her, as she knew full well something else was going on so she did what any best friend would do and asked me what was really going on?
That’s all it took for the walls to fall and tears to stream down my face, as pure raw emotion poured out of my heart. We always get what we need on the mat and although it can feel painful in the moment or uncomfortable energetically, the spirit is working on an extremely deep level. It’s not our job to judge the teacher or the practice or have expectations. It’s just our job to show up and be present with whatever arises. Perhaps if the teacher I wanted was there or the class more gentle, I wouldn’t have had the chance to release the emotions I was harboring.
Surrender August 16, 2009
Posted by admin in : Relationships Tags:commitment, love, marriage, Relationships , add a commentI’m an idealist and someone who sees the world through rose-colored sunglasses. I believe in marriage and children and dream about the fairytale wedding, but the older I get, the more skepticism I face. In particular, the men I seem to attract are either previously married and jaded by the fact it didn’t work or just don’t have a desire to make that kind of commitment. If it were just them, it would be one thing, but a lot of people are cynics when it comes to matters of the heart. I’ve actually had people ask me if I ever thought about adoption or the possibility of freezing my eggs, which I found quite hysterical considering I’m not even 40 yet, but something hit home recently when someone said to me that maybe I wasn’t meant to be a mother or a wife…that perhaps God had other plans for me.
I struggled with this because I didn’t want to give up on my dream. I’m not a quitter. I’m a fighter and a believer in the power of manifestation and the law of attraction so I had to do some soul searching and self-inquiry. What I realized is that it isn’t about me giving up or losing faith. It’s about me making a conscious decision to let go and surrender something that is maybe not meant to be. Perhaps the advice I received was right and I’m not destined to be a wife or bring a child in to this world. Maybe my fate is different than what I thought or hoped for and it’s not to say I don’t believe in marriage anymore because I absolutely whole-heartedly do. But what I believe in even more than walking down the aisle is loving someone enough to be devoted to the relationship no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. I believe in a love where two people are willing to make sacrifices without detriment because true love is a commitment that far exceeds any ordinary relationship.
It’s much easier to walk away from something you’re not legally commited to so I always thought marriage was about making a statement of being fully devoted, but if you truly love someone with all your heart, than you would stay and work through anything whether you signed a marriage license or not. A faithful relationship means two people are willing to do whatever it takes to grow together and work though the difficult times. It demands a little more effort, but this is how seeds of growth are planted. With the right amount of light and love, these seeds germinate in the soul and transformation occurs on a deep spiritual level.
Take my friends and family for instance. I love them more than anything in this world and would never let anything come between us. I would give my life for any one of them and would do anything in my power to resolve an issue that came between us yet I’m not married or legally bound to them in any way. It’s just goes without saying.
I believe in the sappy fairytale dream of being utterly and passionately in love, but at the end of the day, I don’t need to be married to feel that kind of joy. I’m taking a new approach and making a choice to let go because I trust that whatever is meant to be will be.
Take off the mask August 9, 2009
Posted by admin in : Fear, People Tags:higher self, identities, masks, spiritual journey , add a commentI use to wonder why people, including myself, felt the need to hide behind addictions or labels or titles or whatever masks we chose to wear in order to feel sanctified in the eyes of another. One couldn’t possibly know the answer to this question unless one took off the guise of deception and stopped hiding and the moment one experiences this emancipated state of vulnerability, the answer is clear.
People hide because they are scared of being hurt. If we didn’t live in such a judgmental insolent world where people drum to the beat of humanity instead of their own internal rhythm, we would have a lot more self-confidence and would seek refuge in the opinion of our higher selves instead of the mortals we idolize. Control, greed, and power have brought civilization to its knees. The world began its decent, as religious tyranny, political ruin, and economic hardship made mankind insecure, judgmental, mind-driven machines that learned how to manipulate through the use of guilt and the art of manipulating lower emotions.
It’s no wonder people don’t want to be vulnerable and true to their authentic self. There’s so much pain and suffering people get lost in the mind and become numb to what’s going on at a deeper level because they can’t withstand. We’ve slowly lost our identity and have allowed the collective whole to penetrate our psyche…our spirits buried under the intellectual and logical self becoming impervious to pain. The hurt we actually allow ourselves to feel is masked by our identity in a distracted attempt to protect our spirits.
I didn’t realize this until I felt a kind of pain I had never felt before. It was different in the sense that it was no longer me, the victim, but me, the completely open and vulnerable with a tender heart me. One doesn’t feel pain quite so severely when there’s a wall built around the soul, but when you dig through the layers of the onion and take off the masks and awaken to your essential self, the pain is felt at a much deeper level. It’s a raw organic pain that doesn’t feel like the “woe is me” pain, but a true heart wrenching uninhabited tenderness that seeps through every pore of your being. The mind isn’t telling you stories and the heart begging for sympathy. It’s as if the world stops and your body becomes so real and so firmly rooted in truth.
Talking about it defies its very nature because it’s not a story to be told like some trashy column written as gossip and published for the masses, but a hard physical sensation penetrating deep within the recesses of your being. You’re so conscious and aware of the profound aching, you want to put the mask back on and continue on with the facade, but you can’t. It’s like the pain is holding you down starring you in the face. There’s nowhere to run and no place to hide. It’s just you and the energy that holds the agonizing moment of despair.
I wish I could say, “Stay behind the mask and never experience the kind of pain one would feel standing naked before the world,” but it would go against everything I believed. Digging through layers and layers of crap to get to the real you is where it’s all at because it is in knowing your higher self that light begins to shine through. How can one be open and able to heal and make this world a better place if the waters of the soul are murky and the sky cloudy with dark matter? Once the spiritual path is discovered and made clear of karmic debris, the spirit shines like sunlight through a quartz crystal. It’s clear and vibrant and relentless in its ability to shine in all directions. To not truly open up one’s heart and feel the kind of raw organic pain we deny ourselves is to deny ourselves the very magic of life.