Letting go of what no longer serves you July 22, 2008
Posted by admin in : Life 101 Tags:A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle, ego , add a comment
At what point do you just stop and say, “enough…I’m through…I’m done…this no longer servers me?” We spend so much of our time doing stuff or making decisions that aren’t good for us. Why do we do it? We know it’s bad…it feels bad yet we continuously put ourselves through the same hurt over and over again. Whether its eating food that’s not good for us or drinking too much alcohol or consuming drugs or staying in a relationship that no longer serves us.
I don’t have the answers, but everyday I’m learning more and more how to say, “no” to what no longer serves me and “yes” to what does. How do we know what serves us? I think if it feels good in your heart than it serves you, but if it doesn’t feel good than you have to know deep down that it isn’t good for you. The problem is when something feels good, but on a superficial level. To some people drinking is fun. You forget about stress and have a good time, but the stress is still there and you wake up feeling like crap and somehow the stress feels worse.
I spent many years not knowing my limit and would drink until I was wobbling around like Bambi. I would wake up feeling terrible…nauseous and hung-over, but it was fun at the time, right? I finally realized I didn’t want to be that person anymore. It wasn’t serving me…it wasn’t making me feel good so I made the conscious decision to change what I was doing. We all have the power within us to make the necessary changes to make us feel good inside, but that means making better decisions in our life.
I also think we do things that no longer serve us because it feels safe…its comfortable. One of the hardest things you can do is walk away from something or someone because you know somewhere deep within yourself it’s the right thing to do. It’s not what you “want” to do, but what’s “best” for you. I think it takes an incredible strength to honor yourself in that way and you have to know the Universe will support any decision you make that is for your higher good. It is so much easier to stay in a relationship than it is to walk away…to continue going out and getting annulated…to keep eating the crap that makes us gain weight and feel tired and sluggish.
Of course it’s easier…it feeds the ego and the ego is powerful…it can take complete control over you. I’ve seen it happen and it breaks my heart to know a person’s beauty…what they’re heart is capable of…to know their spirit…to know the love in their heart, but to see a completely different side…a side that is so blind to who they truly are. We’ve all had that “friend” who was in a bad relationship, but couldn’t walk away…you knew they were better than that…you knew they deserved better yet there they were going back for more…more pain…more struggle…more heartache. What is it in people that blind them from seeing the truth…from seeing who they are and what they deserve? It’s years of conditioning…it’s years of the egoic mind feeding off of so much negativity.
There comes a point in time in every one’s life where you have to make a decision. Are you going to continue down the same destructive path or are you going to make a decision to move in a different direction? You have to honor yourself…your spirit…if you are not happy you are the only person who can change it. Don’t sacrifice yourself because it’s easier to stay in a relationship…easier to drink that 10th cocktail…easier to eat the greasy burger. You are better than that and you deserve better…you deserve to be happy. Life is too short to make those kind of sacrifices.
Pay attention to the questions you hear yourself ask…questions like, “What am I doing? Why am I allowing this? I deserve better than this…how did I get here?” These are coming from your true essential nature…your spirit. Your ego is the one who comes in and tries to rationalize…convincing you to stay and continue down the path that doesn’t serve you. I wish I could describe the ego as beautifully as Eckhart Tolle in A New Earth. He is an absolutely amazing author…brilliant in his understanding of life.
He is someone who truly “gets it!” He knows the truth…he speaks the truth…he is the truth. It’s incredible how he’s able to explain the ego and the part it plays in our life. I think everyone in this world needs to read his book, but the reality is that everyone isn’t ready to read his book and so there are people who wouldn’t get what he’s trying to say even if they tried. I’m learning that people have to be ready to open their eyes to that kind of awareness and if they aren’t ready than you have to honor the place they are in and just keep being your own light. I wish I could give the gift of conscious awareness to everyone, but the hard cold truth is that I can’t.
Mad at the world July 21, 2008
Posted by admin in : Life 101 , add a commentI just went through 9 months of teacher training. I explored the dark sides of myself. I unveiled layers upon layers of the proverbial onion. I worked through intense emotional traumas I experienced as a child. I worked through layers of personal stuff that built up over the years. I finally got to the core of my being where there was silence and beauty. I formed a sense of awareness I never had before. I awakened to the pure consciousness that sat just beneath the busy egoic mind. I learned about the ego and the roles and identities I was hiding behind. I became more alive than ever before. I felt like a silent warrior resting upon a peaeful lotus. I was there…on top of the world…manifesting and creating the perfect life full of love and light and absolute joy. I was convinced I would be there forever…never to feel anger or fear again.
Then life came and slapped me in the face…waking me from such silly ridiculous nonsense. Suddenly I was unemployed, teacher training ended, dark emotions from the past rekindled, the anger and hurt surrounding my relationship resurfaced, the realization that my stuff was in storage and I was renting a room from someone when most people my age had mortgages and spouses and children set it. I didn’t know what I was doing or where I was going, I was hit by a drunk driver and couldn’t practice yoga, I was lost, alone, and scared. I felt like the whole world was crashing down around me and I didn’t even have the energy to stand up and fight and I’m a fighter. I’ve fought my whole life, but suddenly I felt exhausted…physically, mentally, and emotionally.
How does one get from the top of the world to this place of hurt and pain? I do all the right things and have all the right tools. I practice yoga faithfully, meditate daily, eat healthy, treat people with love and respect, think positively, and live my life from a place of love. What was I doing wrong? Why was I back at this place of uncertainty? Why weren’t my manifestations happening? Why did I try and go back to a relationship I was just finally getting over?
Jerry and Esther Hicks in The Teachings of Abraham Law of Attraction would say I’m never going to change my destiny by asking these questions in a negative context because our thoughts drive our actions and yes, I know all this and I usually do have a very positve state of mind, but then I get to this place where I feel like nothing I’m doing is working and it would be easier to just live in ignorance with everyone else, but I know I wouldn’t be happy there either so then I throw my hands up in the air and relinquish everything because I have nothing left to give.
There’s a part of me that feels guilty even saying this because there are people out there who have it a lot worse. We live in a world of suffering and there are people barely holding on because of war, disease, and personal loss. I realize the stuff going on in my life is minuscule compared to what’s going on in our world, but it’s how I feel and I owe it to myself to honor my feelings. It was never safe for me to feel in front of my family because they dealt with their feelings differently and I’ve been in relationships where I regretted every moment I ever showed any emotion because I eventually learned it wasn’t safe to feel in the front of the person I loved, but I’m tired of people not validating my feelings because it’s healthy to feel and nobody should ever make me feel bad about that.
Life comes at you like the waves of the ocean and you have to learn to ride the waves and float with the current instead of trying to paddle up stream. You are never going to get to that point of absolute peace until the day you die so if honoring your feelings by speaking your truth makes life alittle easier then so be it. Life happens…it’s not static…it’s ever-changing. You can’t stand still…you have to keep moving or life will eat you alive.
I allowed myself to feel sad and alone and depressed for two days. I gave myself permission to stay in bed until 4pm, not eat anything, and feel sorry for myself…I allowed myself to feel sad and heavy in the heart. I allowed myself to be mad at the world…to be mad at the man I love…to be mad at my mother for being emotionally-unavailable to me…to be mad at the guy who ran in to the back of me…to be mad at myself for thinking love is always the answer…to be mad at all the angels I felt abondoned me. But tomorrow is a new day and the sun will rise again, but it will rise in a new energy…in a new love and I will start my day anew…with new positive manifestations…a new healthy attitude about myself and the world in which we live. I will find the good and I will move forward just as I’ve always done.
Drunk driver July 17, 2008
Posted by admin in : Life 101 Tags:accident, drunk driver, neck injury , add a commentTiming is everything. Sometimes you think if only this or only that, but you could spend your entire lifetime thinking about such nonsense. Perhaps things happen for a reason and all those “if only this” or “if only thats” weren’t suppose to happen so something else could happen instead.
There were a multitude of people I could have asked for a ride home from my brother and sister ‘n law’s baby shower, but I passed everyone up so I could hang out until the very last minute, as I was leaving for Atlanta in the morning and didn’t want to say good-bye to my friends any sooner than I had to. My brother’s best friend was my ride home so when it came time for him to leave I had no choice, but to bid my farewell.
Matt and his girlfriend warned me the car would be a mess and there would be no air conditioning or radio. A couple other people made sarcastic comments like, “its always an adventure with Matt…you’re riding at your own risk,” but I just figured they were picking on him. I didn’t actually believe he had a dark karmic cloud hanging over his head, but perhaps I should have taken caution to the wind.
We turned the wrong way as we left the baby shower, but neither Matt nor I realized because we were too busy talking. His girlfriend finally interrupted us so Matt turned around and headed back in the right direction. We were laughing and talking and sharing our feelings about Florida and how they don’t require motorists to wear helmets as we pulled up to a red light and stopped. No sooner did I say, “I think it’s dangerous for them not to wear helmets,” a car rear-ended us going about 45 miles an hour. The driver then fled the scene hitting us a second time.
The light turned green as the driver went around us so Matt chased after him. I think guys have a different primal instinct than girls because I don’t know that I would have thought that fast had I been the one driving. I was still trying to process what had just happened so it took me a minute to realize the car was trying to get away. I thought a second car hit the car that hit us when we got hit the second time. I also had a difficult time trying to put the license plate number in my phone while Matt’s girlfriend called the police. It’s interesting how the easiest things can suddenly seem so complicated in the midst of a stressful situation.
I think the guy finally realized we weren’t going to stop and we already had his plate number so he finally pulled over. My immediate thought was, ”What if this guy has a gun? What are we doing? This is crazy!” I still don’t know what I would have done if the guy got out and started a fight or pulled out a weapon. I’m just thankful he didn’t.
I definitely felt safe once I saw the driver. He appeared harmless even though he and the other two guys in the car were obviously wasted. They were “on” something…from what substance I don’t know, but there was no mistaking their state of mind. The cops didn’t take too long to get there and I’m not certain what happened to the two passengers, but the driver definitely went to jail.
Thankfully the 3 of us were wearing our seat belts and were able to drive away from the scene, but we didn’t walk away free and clear. I have neck injuries and can’t practice yoga or kickboxing until my doctor says its okay. Not being able to practice the thing I’m most passionate about is killing me. It’s my sanity and what keeps me grounded. It makes me angry that some guy was driving around wasted without a care for himself or anyone else on the road, but being angry isn’t going to make things better so I have to believe there was a reason this happened…for better or worse.
I can tell you we were absolutely meant to be at that exact intersection at that exact time. Had we not got turned around, we wouldn’t have been the first car at that red light and if we weren’t there than the guy would have run right through the intersection and may have killed someone. If you think of it that way, we may very well have saved someone’s life. Of course there could be other reasons, but only the higher power knows. This is where trust comes to play…as hard as it may be!
Unemployed July 13, 2008
Posted by admin in : Life 101 Tags:Fear, one door closes and another opens, trust in a higher power, Unemployed , add a comment
It’s official…I’m unemployed. I’m still not quite sure how I feel about this newly acquired title, but I’m trying not to stress about it. One day I’m graduating from teacher training and the next I’m unemployed. Talk about closing doors!!! It has been just about two weeks and I haven’t completely lost my mind, but I also gave myself a little time to let go and have some fun without worrying about what was next.
I spent the 1st week of being unemployed at the beach and now I’m in Orlando visiting my friends and family. I head back to Atlanta tomorrow, which is when realty will set in. Thankfully I have an appointment with a career counselor the day after I get back. I’m praying he will give me some direction on where to go from here because I’m feeling a bit lost.
I’m in a very interesting place, as I have no attachments…no property…no job…no pets…nothing holding me down, but the gravity of mother earth. I have the ability and freedom to go absolutely anywhere or do whatever I want. Not too many people can say the same so I’m trying to embrace the change and trust that I’m exactly where I’m suppose to be. There are some people who would kill to be where I’m at, but the grass is always greener on the other side, right?
I don’t know if it’s because I just graduated from teacher training or I’m getting older and have learned from past experience, but I have this uncanny calmness for so much change going on. Not too long ago I would be completely out of my mind and worrying incessantly, but I guess I finally learned to have faith in the Universe because she’s never let me know before.
I’ve learned so much about manifesting and creating my own destiny, but I feel a bit powerless over all this uncertainty…fear is a funny thing…it’s with us whether we like it or not…as positive as we are, there’s always this little voice, which I call the “ego, ” who wants you to believe you are not good enough.
I know I’m more than my thoughts or the ego that tries to take precedence in my life so I refuse to let fear destroy the beautiful gifts I’ve earned through all the hard work I’ve endured. It’s just time for me to make a decision and I want it to be the best decision…no regrets. I desperately want to do my own thing…work for myself…not answer to the corporate schedule or restricted time off.
I have two passions…writing and teaching yoga…why can’t I pursue these and still earn a living? I deserve to do what I love and love what I do, but I’m not quite sure how to get there from here. So many yoga teachers are starving yoga teachers and so it’s scary thinking about leaving the corporate world and relying on something that pays so little and doesn’t offer insurance or retirement. My ego wants me to believe it can’t be done, which is where fear comes in to play and suddenly I think about running back to the safe predictable professional world of benefits, a salary, and paid time off. What is the right decision? I guess I’m the only one who can answer that, but that just brings me back to the beginning.
My head just spins in circles every time I think about it so I’m trying not to think about it and just stay in the moment knowing that everything is happening as it should, but it’s so much easier said than done. It’s all about trust…trusting in a higher power at work and trusting in myself.
The lost letter June 30, 2008
Posted by admin in : Life 101 , add a commentDo you ever have one of those days where nothing goes right? I only got 4 hours sleep the night before, which always makes for an interesting next day because I’m one of those people who needs at least 8 hours of sleep to function like a normal human being. Anything less means I could have an emotional melt down at any moment…just say, “boo” and it’s all over!
We had a beautiful ceremony to celebrate and honor the journey we all took through the advanced 500 credit hour teacher training program so I stayed up late writing a letter to my yoga teachers, as I wanted them to know how much this course meant to me and how much I appreciated everything they did for us.
I’m a bit of a perfectionist so I put a lot of energy in to finding the right words to truly describe what was in my heart, which wasn’t easy because sometimes emotions are beyond words. I worked on this letter for hours so I was a bit delirious, as I climbed in to bed at 2am.
I saved the letter on my thumb drive and then tried to open it at the studio the next morning, but the computer wouldn’t read it. One of the students thought it was because it was password protected and apple couldn’t recognize it so I took it to Kinkos, but none of the computers there would recognize it either. The lady behind the counter said the data was gone, but it was just there the night before and nothing happened to it from the time I went to bed and the time I got to the studio so I didn’t understand what was going on.
I was a mess by the time I left Kinkos. It was such a beautiful letter so I didn’t understand why I wasn’t meant to have it for the ceremony. It was so important my teachers knew how much they meant and I didn’t think I would ever be able to express my gratitude on the spot so I was really let down. There was nothing I could do so I headed out to the Lake Claire Community Land Trust where we were having the ceremony. I got all turned around and couldn’t find my way and ended up driving in circles, which really wore on my nerves. Not only was I exhausted, I was starving so I was not in any state of mind to be driving around aimlessly.
I called one of my friends since she lived a couple blocks from the Land Trust and knew the area like the back of her hand. She was able to help me find my way so I was relieved when I finally got there and could eat, but then there turned out to be a lot of flies, which made me want to come out of my skin. I know, I know…flies are beings too and yes, I realize this, but I still couldn’t get over it. I’m not a big fan of trying to eat with flies and their dirty little feet landing all over the food I’m putting in my mouth.
In the Mutant Message from Down Under by Marlo Morgan, the author talks about the Australian Aboriginal Tribe and how they walk miles with swarms of flies around them without ever flinching because they think of them as divine beings washing their skin clean of any dirt or disease.
It’s truly a beautiful way to look at it and I really tried to see it that way, but I couldn’t. I just wanted to run to my car and get away from the pesky little suckers, which is so not the way I like to think, but it is what it is. Oh, and if I wasn’t already close to a meltdown, my drink totally exploded down the front of me when I opened it. I didn’t turn it upside or anything, but it still came rushing out like a bomb in a fountain…Kombucha is naturally effervescent so it would be kind of like opening a coke after shaking it vigorously.
At that point, I was done…I gave up…surrendered. It was such a beautiful day and there I was agro and discombobulated so I just had to let go and move past it. It was easy to change moods as the energy at the Land Trust was amazing and of course I was surrounded by 19 of the most diving beings I’ve ever met so how could you not find peace, right?
The ceremony turned out to be 5 hours and was absolutely magical. To try and put it in to words would be an injustice. It’s not something meant to be shared with anyone except for those who were there. What I realized, though, was the letter I wrote was never meant to be read because what I felt sitting in that beautiful circle of love and light was beyond words.
What I received from the course was beneath anything that could come from the mind. The journey was about going “in” and coming out dripping wet with my essential nature. It was about finding that place of silence…that place of stillness that resides beneath any and all thought. And in that place of silence lies the truth of our existence and when I’m in that place and you are in that place…we are in the same place…we are one!
So there I was in that place of silence feeling gratitude and love knowing that my teachers were in that same place. The letter was not necessary because they knew…no words…just truth…the noble truth. Finding that beautiful silence was the most magical gift I ever received. Life comes together at that place and everything just seems to make sense without any kind of effort. I can say the advanced course truly transformed me and for that I will be forever grateful.
The beautiful end to this story came this morning when I put my thumb drive in my computer and found all the data in place. Ironic, huh? Don’t ask me where it was when I tried to pull it up on SEVEN different computers earlier that day because I don’t know and it doesn’t really matter. I wasn’t meant to read the letter. I just wish I didn’t let it ruin my afternoon because I knew better…everything happens for a reason even if we don’t know the reason at the time!
Judgments May 4, 2008
Posted by admin in : Life 101 Tags:ego, judgments, pure consciousness , add a commentDo you ever stop and think about the negative judgments you make towards other people? And even if you’re a Saint, you’re still human so don’t think for a second you’re above it. We all make judgments and not necessarily with malicious intent. Our minds have a way of naturally labeling people whether we like it or not. Judgments come as freely as thought and there’s a difference between judgments that surface subconsciously and those that are intentional.
We don’t want to look at ourselves or take responsibility for our imperfections so instead of looking within ourselves, we find fault and blame in others, but the things we don’t like in other people are usually things we don’t like about ourselves. It took me a really long time to realize this, but I see it more and more in my life every day.
I went out to dinner with some friends not too long ago and I found myself getting really irritated over something really stupid. One of the guys is a really good friend of mine and I respect him immensely yet I found myself judging him, as I watched him devour his own plate of food and then everyone else’s at the table. Of course he’s one of those people who is extremely lean without an ounce of fat and can eat whatever he wants so he doesn’t have to worry about it. The table even ordered a couple desserts for everyone to share, but he had more than his fair share and for some reason it annoyed me.
Once I stopped and asked myself why it bothered me so much, I realized my jealous ego was at play. I love sugar and would eat it all the time if I could, but I can’t. I’m not one of those people who can eat whatever she wants. I have to work for my body and watch everything I eat. We all have those times where our appetite is insatiable, but not all of us can indulge. Does that give us the right to judge those who can? Absolutely not!
I had no right to judge him and of course I didn’t mean to, but that’s the thing about judgments…they often surface from the unconcious self who I typically refer to as the “ego!” It’s usually those closest to us that offer the most insight in to ourselves so the next time you find yourself judging someone, stop for a minute and ask yourself where it’s coming from and be open to what arises.
The Eleventh Hour May 2, 2008
Posted by admin in : Life 101 Tags:Eleventh Hour, faith , add a commentThere’s something really powerful to the cliche “Eleventh Hour.” We use it all the time yet so many people give very little thought to the significance of it. Wikipedia says, “The Eleventh Hour is an expression referring to the last moments before a deadline or the imminence of a decisive or “final” moment.” There are books, film titles, songs, and television shows named after the expression and it has been known to be traced back to the last moments of the First World War, which ended on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month of the year 1918. I would say it’s a pretty powerful expression!
The expression actually runs quite rampant in my life and sometimes I think it’s the Universe trying to be funny because resolution to any type of major life change usually doesn’t come until the very last minute. It’s like the moment I’m ready to lose it and curse God for leaving me to fend for myself, the waters spread and divine light comes shining through. Talk about living life on the edge! It makes me crazy sometimes because there’s plenty of time for stuff to happen…for energy to flow…but nothing…the universe just makes me wait and sometimes to the very last second and then wallah…clarity comes…resolution…prayers answered. I suppose it’s better than no answers at all, but I sure wish my fate wasn’t on a need-to-know basis.
My company was bought out at the end of last year so my job was scheduled to end March 31st. I was really stressed out about what I was going to do because nothing was happening on the job front. I started pounding the pavement a couple months back and had several leads that didn’t span out. It was frustrating and I tried desperately not to let it get to me until about a week before my last day when I began to wonder if my Angels were off somewhere on a smoke break.
Low and behold, my supervisor approached me the very next day and asked if I could extend my contract a couple more months. It was an absolute blessing…a huge relief and reminder to have faith and let things go to which I have no control. I can only do so much and then the rest is in the hands of the higher power who, by the way, has never let me down before so I don’t know why I continue to worry about things that I know are going to turn out in the end.
Another Eleventh Hour sigh of relief came last night when I went to teach the last class of my eight week yoga course. Many of my students asked if I were teaching through the next session so I was really bummed to tell them I wasn’t put on the schedule. I just assumed someone else was taking over the class because nobody ever said anything to me. I had grown quite fond of my students and I wasn’t ready to leave them. I felt a little sad and heavy in the heart as I walked in to the building to teach my last class. I didn’t want it to be my last, but I also knew if the Universe had other plans for me than I had to honor the divine plan at work and trust in the higher power. It’s just hard to let go, as we are born controllers…wanting to know our own destiny and the exact paths to get there.
I saw the Program Coordinator before my class and she apologized for not responding to the email I sent asking if she would consider opening up another class for the summer session. She told me she already scheduled me to teach and just got busy and forgot to tell me. You can’t imagine how elated I was to hear her say that…I was speechless and just overwhelmed with gratitude. The best part was getting to share the news with my students and not having to say good-bye. I guess my angels weren’t on a smoke break after all…they were just waiting for the Eleventh Hour!