Done and Free August 2, 2009
Posted by admin in : Life 101 Tags:freedom, negativity, Relationships, victim, yoga teacher training , add a commentI recently read a blog post entitled “Three Powerful Words.” The 3 words… “I AM DONE.” As I read the blog, the words danced off the screen singing to me like lyrics of a song. Another’s experience can only resonate at that level when one has encountered the same, as knowledge is what unites sentiment beings and connects us to all. One cannot have compassion without empathy for another. It’s what fuels our emotions and grounds us to reality.
The premise of the blog was people get stuck in situations because they perpetuate suffering through destructive thought patterns and the language they use. People who are unhappy propagate negativity and get stuck there because the mind only preserves pessimism. One cannot find relief or be free until the cycle is stopped, as negativity breeds negativity. I’ve been there to see it…it’s like being pulled down by a tidal wave to the bottom of an ocean and drowning, as the air slowly deprives you of your life.
The thing about spiraling downward is you eventually hit rock bottom and then there’s nowhere else to go, but up. I spent most of my life, as a victim…a victim of abandonment…a victim of abuse…a victim of control…a victim of manipulation. It played out in many forms and in many different relationships. I didn’t even know I was playing the role, as it became my identity…it comforted me and gave me something to blame and a place to hide when I was hurt. It was my shelter…my refuge from pain. I suppose there was a part of me who needed it…a sense of protection until I was able and strong enough to confront the shadows on my own.
For that to happen I needed to feel safe and being safe for me meant getting out of an environment where I was being controlled, manipulated and judged, but it took a lot of inner strength that I was only able to achieve after years and years of work…work on myself…digging through layers and layers of baggage.
Often we don’t even realize we’re in toxic environments because something about it fuels our fire and gives us a false sense of self. We feel secure in relationships because something about the other person makes us feel whole, but it’s not authentic, as we are the only ones who can make that connection. This is one of the reasons relationships end because as each person grows, he or she eventually finds his or her own self worth and the other person is no longer necessary to fill the void. If a false sense of security is what initially bonded the relationship, than there might not be enough left to keep it alive.
It wasn’t until I truly found myself and became whole without needing another person there to complete me or play a role of someone or something I was denied as a child that I was able to see the victim, surrender the victim, and change the semantics of my life. I never felt good enough as a child and I struggled with the lack of confidence for a really long time. It wasn’t until yoga teacher training that I was finally able to open up and start the process of healing. It took me being in a circle of like-minded loving people who accepted me unconditionally to finally feel safe.
It was in the sanctity of these yogis that I was finally able to surrender and take off the masks I’d been wearing. I was no longer the victim…I was a survivor…I was free…I was ME! This abandon would have never been possible had I not been “done” playing the victim because one can’t be done with something until one is truly DONE.
If you’re still suffering in some way or find yourself spiraling downward, ask yourself what you’re getting from it. If you weren’t getting something, you wouldn’t still be there and it’s okay if you still need to be there. You just need to be okay with it or do something about it, as you are the only one who can do it.
My mother once said to me “nobody is coming to save you.” I hated the words as they spilled over her lips because I knew she was right. I spent most of my life waiting for someone to save me. I wanted someone to make me feel safe…to protect me from the pain I felt as a child…to hear my cries for help…to erase the wrongs imposed upon me and make them right. In the end, it was me who came to save me. When you are finally able to say, “I am done,” you will be done and you will be free.
Yoga Teacher Training June 25, 2008
Posted by admin in : Yoga Tags:balance, Eight Limbs of Yoga, meditate, Pantanjali, pranayama, purification, transformation, yoga teacher training , 3comments
Yoga Teacher Training is a remarkable journey! I graduated the 200 hour course at Peachtree Yoga Center in February 2008 and then went directly in to the Advanced Teacher Training program. Combined, these courses literally revolutionized the way I live. At first, I wasn’t exactly sure what I was going to get out of it, but I knew intuitively it was something I needed to do.
I went in thinking I knew who I was, but found out there was a completely different person beneath all the layers of memories, experiences and influences programmed from the past. I spent my whole life reacting to life and then suffering from the consequences of my reactions. My mind defined me according to my career, material possessions, relationships, social status, and other things that lived outside of me (having nothing to do with “me”).
Teaching Training explored not just the physical, but the emotional, the mental, and the energetic body. We were given the proper tools to get in and change old self-defeating thought patterns and emotional programming. This purification led me to a place of stillness and balance. I didn’t realize the importance of Pantanjali’s 8 limbs of yoga until I took the course and was taught the value of incorporating these principals of moral conduct in to my everyday life. It wasn’t just about the physical practice or learning how to teach the poses. It was about being ethical and having integrity and living life from a place of authenticity. It was about having self-discipline and detaching from the external world and the roles we play . It was about breathing and cultivating a sense of internal awareness of who we are beyond the labels and material possessions. It was about concentration and meditation. It was about enlightenment being a journey and not a destination.
It was about finding a delicate balance of effort and inertia. I spent years trying to achieve a place of equanimity where the lows weren’t so low and the highs weren’t so high, but it wasn’t until teacher training that I learned how to achieve a place of stillness amongst the activity of every day life. I didn’t want to become a monk and go live in the mountains and meditate. I wanted to live every day life with every day people without being attached or having expectations or letting the world’s suffering affect me. I wanted to experience life from a place of peace. I wanted to dance with life and breathe in to existence without feeling fear or anger for all the ignorance.
The 8 limbs helped me understand why balance was so important and why asanas on their own couldn’t bring a state of equanimity. It was an enriching and profound discovery that led me to adopt these principals personally and professionally. The mediation and pranayama played a huge component in my transformation. By use of a mantra I was able to empower myself to go beyond the ensuing thoughts. I was able to drop in to a place of silence where I experienced an eternal freedom. I found a place of stillness where there was infinite possibilities and untold wisdom. Once you know who you are the world opens up to you…the sky’s the limit. The world becomes yours because you realize you are the world and the world is you…there is no separation of self and the whole…there is no longer an ”I.” It’s about union…the divine whole of all the individual counterparts that make up the universe.
When you reach this place, which is your true essential nature, everything in your life changes. Your relationships improve because you finally have the ability to communicate from a place of truth and truth is always about love…loving yourself and the world in which we live. It makes you a better teacher because you are practicing what you teach.
I will be forever in debt and utterly grateful to my divine teachers at Peachtree. Teacher Training gave me a safe space to do the work I needed to grow and open my eyes to something far greater than anything I ever expected. I weaved myself a little cocoon where I went deep within myself and flew out a beautiful radiant butterfly who was finally free. Peachtree is the Mother Tree and Graham and Ursula are the inner being of that tree. They are the soul of the studio and they speak the truth…they live the truth…they are the truth. They truly get it and they dedicate their lives unselfishly to helping others find their own truth…their internal light…the light that shines out from within.