Rebirth November 5, 2009
Posted by admin in : Spiritual Growth Tags:awareness, dreams, freedom, letting go, marriage, trust , add a commentPeople often ask me if I’m ”always” happy and I can’t help, but laugh because I’m the most sensitive person on the planet. Just because I have a positive outlook on life and live everyday to it’s fullest, doesn’t mean I don’t go through rough periods or experience sadness or even bouts of depression. None of us are spared from the shadow. We just handle it differently and I, personally, choose to deal with it head on because I know that being sensitive and allowing myself to feel every passing emotion creates beautiful space and a shift in consciousness that brings about profound awareness and mental clarity. My journey is about exploring the inner truth that seeks to be sought, as I want to grow and learn as much as I can.
The problem is that sometimes we don’t want to see the truth because often times it can be painful. For me most recently, it was realizing my dream to be married and have children might not ever happen. After finding myself in another relationship with someone who didn’t believe in the constitution of marriage, I knew it was time to face the fact that my journey might be something other than I had hoped. I just couldn’t continue thinking about it and dreaming about it while knowing I was in a relationship with someone who dreamed otherwise. The alternative was to leave a man I loved, but my feelings were too strong so I had to let go.
Letting it go didn’t happen overnight, as it took me revisiting it and going over it in my mind again and again. What made it so difficult was the ego telling me I didn’t deserve to be married or have a child, that I was being punished for something, which is just old programming and conditioning from the past. Our spirits know better because when it comes right down to it, we are all worthy of the absolute very best and if I were truly meant to get married or have a child, it would happen whether I obsessed about it or not so why not just let it go and be free?
Even though I finally found the emotional strength and confidence in myself to let it go, it wasn’t easy. When a person holds on to a dream for so long, it becomes a part of the body’s physiology and letting go of old patterns can illicit strong emotions so I went through a bout of depression. My spirit felt lost and my hope smothered by despair, but I knew that a huge spiritual transformation was about to occur so I had to allow myself to feel the sadness because the only way for a person to know light is to know dark.
In order to shine out from within, you have to be willing to sit in the shadow and endure a little suffering or heartache in order to really awaken and open your eyes to a higher truth. The more in touch you can get with your pain, the more in touch you will be with life, but that means getting to know it, being one with it, feeling it on every level. Once feelings surface, they can be released and what remains is a new sense of direction and a greater understanding of self and how it relates to the world.
Life is about living and dying, as one cannot be with the other just like the sun cannot be without the moon or the day without night. When something begins to shift energetically, you have to be patient because in order for transformation to occur, you have to be willing to let go of old thought patterns…old ideas…old social and cultural programming. This can feel like death in a way, but once the dark shadow clears, an absolutely radiant light fills the soul and you feel a sense of freedom you’ve never felt before.
I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow or the next day. I just know right here right now and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and the freest I’ve ever felt. I’m creating my own destiny now…what I want…what I need…what I deserve and it feels so good not to be trapped behind a fairytale anymore. I wish more people were committed to the journey because the shift in global consciousness would be a collective uprising of positive energy that would have such a huge impact on the world.
People just need to stop following the minds of others and have more confidence in themselves, as people tend to beat to the sound of our culture’s drum just going with the flow like puppets being pulled by the strings of politics and media. I realize it’s much easier to follow traditions and societal riches than to do the work necessary to grow spiritually, but we’re never going to evolve as a culture if we remain stuck in the old way of doing things.
Face your Fear December 8, 2008
Posted by admin in : Fun Times Tags:Fear, mountain bike, mountain biking, trails, trust , add a commentBefore I got my bike back from storage, which was just a recreation bike, my friend let me borrow her mountain bike and I fell in love with it. I no longer had the desire to ride around casually, as I wanted to go out for long rides where I could feel the muscles burn as my feet slowly and steadily pedaled their way up an incline a good size hill. I liked the challenge of a good climb, as there was nothing better than getting to the top and then coasting down the other side as currents of wind whirled around me. It was an absolute rush and invigorating in every sense of the word.
I decided I was going to start putting a little money aside each week so I could buy my own bike. I started shopping around and getting as much information as possible so I could make an informed decision when it came time to buy. One of the bike specialist asked me how often I rode the trails so he could help me figure out what type of tires to get and I laughed because I had actually never been on a trail. I had always wanted to, but was scared of getting seriously injured so I just stuck to the road. Well, I got to thinking about it when I got home and thought I should probably get out and ride one to see if I even liked it, as there was no sense in souping up a bike if I wasn’t planning on taking it off-road.
Well that was that! I got my gear together and off I went. I was happy to see there was a separate trail for each level, but I was still a little weary when I saw the narrow passage and the steep incline of what was marked as the beginner’s trail. I sat at the start of it with my fingers pressed in to the break, as my knuckles turned white and my feet ground to the earth. There was a tinge of excitement, but I was mostly scared to death. I kept thinking what would happen if I wrecked or flipped off my bike and whacked my head in to a tree? There wasn’t a soul around…just me, the trail, and the sound of my own heart.
The last time I remember feeling that way was when I went propelling for the first time. I remember thinking right before I took my first step off the face of the rock, “Oh my God…I could totally die right now…what am I doing…this is crazy…well if I died, then it was meant to be, but I can’t live my life in fear so I had to trust in the Universe and in my higher soul so I went for it.” I prayed to God to keep me safe and then down I went and it was the absolute best feeling in the world when my feet finally touched the ground and I looked up and saw the massive rock I had just conquered. It was a thrill like no other and I’ll remember that high for the rest of my life, as I felt fearless and powerful in a way I can’t quite describe.
Standing at the start of the beginner’s trail left me feeling the same, but I knew I had to face my fear or else I would always be afraid. Fear has no place in the company of trust so I knew had to look the dark looming shadow straight in the face and just go for it so I said a little prayer and then slowly eased my hand off the break. Before I could even think about what was going to happen next, my bike was flying down the trail, as I screamed silently aloud.
The whole way down the trail I screamed, “Holy crap…what were you thinking…you are totally out of your mind…oh my God I’m going to die…this was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done…I’m going to end up in the emergency room and I don’t even have insurance…whoa…oh my God…this is dangerous and scary and I’m never doing this again…whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah…I’m insane…oh my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooood…what did I think I was going to prove by doing this…please…let me get out of this alive…don’t let me die on this trail…oh man…”
Well, I didn’t die and when I finally got to the end of the trail I was completely out of breath and my heart pumping vigorously, but guess what I said? “WOW that was AWESOME…what an intense rush…I wanna do it again!!!” And again I did.
Don’t let fear stop you from living your life…take a walk on the wild side…look fear straight in the face and go for it…trust in yourself and embrace the fear, as it will transform in to something more powerful than you ever imagined.
Survival Instinct December 3, 2008
Posted by admin in : Gratitude Tags:dog attack, dog bite, emotional pain, forgiveness, physical pain, sutures, trauma, trust , add a commentThe night before Thanksgiving I received a phone call from my younger brother and I could tell by the tone of his voice that something was terribly wrong. My mom was in the emergency room. She just finished dinner with her husband and was admiring Gus, her beloved boxer/lab mix, as he licked the remains of the dessert bowl. She was proud to have such an amazing spirit in her life and there was definitely a lot of love between them, as she always treated him more like a friend than an animal. She wrapped her arms around his neck in a very loving way, which she had done a million times before, but for whatever reason he violently turned on her and attacked her face.
I’ve never in my entire life heard my mother so shaken, as she is one of the strongest people I know. She’s compassionate and loving, but she’s tough and it takes a lot for something to get to her. She has over 30 years experience as a critical care nurse, IV therapy nurse, oncology nurse, emergency nurse and as a psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner. She is also a certified trauma expert specializing in post traumatic stress disorder so nothing phases this woman, as she is a rock when it comes to dealing with emotional and psychological trauma, but this affected her in a way I can’t even describe.
The muscle tissue in her face had to be reconstructed by a plastic surgeon and then the skin of her cheek sutured back on. She received a total of 100 stitches so she will have a scar that will be with her long after the bruising and swelling subside. The body has a miraculous way of shutting down around pain so the body initially went in to shock to protect her. The doctors then gave her lidocaine to numb the affected area and when it wore off she had prescription pain killers, but when it’s all said and done and the physical pain is gone, she will still be left with a deep emotional scar that might not ever heal.
I don’t know why this happened, but my mother had an incredible love for her dog and it will probably take her a really long time to trust him again. Gus was rescued from Hurricane Katrina so it was probably just his survival instincts kicking in from a time when he was starving on the streets and having to fend for himself, but understanding why doesn’t necessarily make it any better. I would be an absolute mess if something so devastating happened to me yet my mother got right back up and was able to face life almost immediately.
It wasn’t even 24 hours after the accident and she was trying to find the silver lining and the greater meaning in it all. Her focus was on the gifts of the experience and not on the tragedy of what happened. As a health care professional, she was impressed with the quality of service she received from the doctors and nurses. She was grateful Gus missed her lip, nose, and eye as it could have been a lot worse and she was actually thankful for the pain, as it meant no nerve damage. Most people I know would have put their dog down yet my mother was able to find compassion for Gus because she knew he felt terrible for what he did.
My mother believes that if we are afraid of pain or discomfort, we will never change. We have to be willing to embrace the chaos in our lives, listen to the pain, and transform it in to joy, as there are gifts in every challenge. She knows we are never given more than we can handle so she keeps fighting and if she falls down, she gets back up. If anyone ever had a reason to give up, it would be my mom, as she has lived through more grief than anyone I know, but somehow she perseveres. She is a fighter through and through and I am proud to be her daughter and I’m honored to know such a strong powerful spirit.
We should never take life for granted and we should be thankful for the gifts and all the beautiful blessings in our lives. Suffering will never cease to exist so we have to make the best of every situation. It’s the choices we make when life hands us a curve ball that truly make a difference. You hear so many people fall in to the trap of feeling sorry for themselves…always asking why…why is this happening to me, but it’s life and it happens…for better or for worse. We have to surrender and make peace with the chaos so don’t give up. Get back up and keep going.
Just for a Week November 28, 2008
Posted by admin in : Relationships Tags:consciousness, disappointment, freedom, letting go, present moment, Relationships, trust , add a commentI met a really special guy a couple weeks ago in my yoga class. He just so happened to walk in to the studio just as I approached the front door. We exchanged energy the moment our eyes met and then we practiced right next to one other so I was having a hard time keeping my eyes to myself. I know we’re not technically suppose to be looking at anyone, but I just couldn’t help it. He was extremely attractive and he had a beautiful body. His spirit felt so sweet and free and his energy seemed grounded but playful and his heart so open and genuine.
I thought it was quite ironic how I recently wrote a post about being free and finally being able to let go of my last relationship and then out of the blue I meet this guy, but that’s usually how life works. One door closes and another opens. Long story short, we end up spending the whole week together and had an amazing time. It felt really good to feel something for a guy, as it had been a long time coming. I actually started to believe I might not ever feel for anyone ever again, but then I saw this guy walk in to the studio and everything changed.
It was so refreshing to be in the energy of someone so spiritually connected and I don’t mean in the way of religion or ”God,” but in the way of being connected to life and living. He was definitely aware of something greater, as he was living life consciously and with divine awareness. He was one of the few who truly understood life and was one of the most real people I had ever met. I just felt so comfortable around him…like we had been friends for years.
We covered a lot of ground in the week we spent and I felt amazingly close to him just after 5 days. Being with him was intoxicating and absolutely surreal. We spent a lot of time talking about life, playing downtown and hiking in the North Georgia mountains. I was intrigued and fascinated by everything he had to say and I wanted to know more, but the week was all we had, as he was from the West Coast and here on business getting ready to fly to the other side of the world to manage a job for the next year and a half. I was really bummed the day he flew out, but I had to let it go, as everything happens for a reason and I firmly believe there are no such thing as coincidences. People come in to our lives for a reason and we may never know the “why,” but we have to trust in our higher selves even if we can’t intellectually wrap our minds around it.
I kept trying to figure out why this guy walked in to my life. I didn’t understand and thought maybe the Universe was playing a little cosmic joke on me. I would have moved across the world to be with this guy, as crazy as that sounds and I couldn’t explain it if I tried. It was just one of those things, but when it was all said and done I realized it wasn’t about me giving up my life for another man, as I had done so many times before. It was about me waking up so I could let go of the past and make room for the new. He came in to my life and and lit the fire that died with my last relationship…he reminded me of what was truly important and the kind of man I wanted in my life.
We have to trust in the moment and enjoy the ride, as it’s not about the destination. We waste too much time and energy trying to understand life and the things that happen to us that are beyond our comprehension, as we over think everything. There’s a lot of freedom in letting go and enjoying the moment. There wasn’t a lot I could do, but be thankful this man walked in to my life and shared his heart. Albeit brief, our time together was so very sweet and I’ll always remember the beautiful time we shared. It’s not always about understanding why something is happening. Sometimes its just about sitting with it…being with it…appreciating it and then releasing it to something much greater.
Acceptance…the final stage… October 17, 2008
Posted by admin in : Life 101 Tags:acceptance, grief, healing, letting go, loss, love, Relationships, trust , add a comment
Everyone experiences loss at some point in their life, whether it is the loss of a job, the death of a loved one, or the end of a relationship. Everyone responds processes and handles grief in their own way because we were raised differently. Our emotional response depends upon our personality, culture, spiritual beliefs, and religious practices. The one thing that stays constant is the process, as everyone goes through similar stages of denial, pain, anger, sadness, loneliness and then acceptance. Anyone who has grieved knows there comes a time when the pain finally subsides and you are free. It’s almost as if it happens in an instant…a single moment in time.
I don’t know what determines how long a person will grieve, but I do know that when it’s done, it’s done. There are many beautiful gifts that arise out of the final stage of accepting and letting go. There’s an awakening of consciousness and liveliness about your being that radiates from within because once the pain is gone, the body has a spaciousness the whole world can see. You feel magnificently alive and you have a new profound sense of self. It’s absolutely beautiful to witness someone letting go, as the freedom shines right through their eyes.
It took me a long time, but I finally let go of the relationship that ended almost a year ago. I’m not quite sure how to explain it, but something magical happened. It was if the universe pulled the remaining feelings out of my heart and freed me from the pain and hurt I was still harboring. I never loved another man the way I loved this man. He was absolutely everything to me. It was love at first sight and there was no doubt in my mind he was the one for me, as we talked about marriage and the possibility of creating a family.
I spent the past year trying to understand what happened…trying to understand why the Universe had other plans for us…trying to understand why our paths couldn’t be one. I was mad at the Universe for taking my love away…mad at myself for being committed to a spiritual journey that took me in a different direction. When it was all said and done what I realized was that it didn’t matter what happened between us and nobody was to blame. It was about the beautiful time we spent and the memories we created. It was about the intensity of our love and the life we shared.
There comes a time when you have to accept the fact that perhaps you’re not always meant to be with the person you think you’re suppose to be with in the terms of forever. Everyone is on their own journey and your life’s purpose may or may not take you in a different direction. It’s possible for two people to share a life together and walk along different paths as long as the relationship is supportive and nurturing. It’s important to continually grow mentally, spiritually, and emotionally so a relationship shouldn’t hold you back or inhibit you in any way.
People waste precious time blaming or faulting their partner for stuff that doesn’t really matter in the end. It’s not always about this or that, but something much greater than you or I. If it’s not working, it’s not working. It’s nobody’s fault. It just may be the inevitable. Be grateful for the times you shared together and for all the beautiful things the relationship brought in to your life, but then accept and honor one another when its time to part ways. We are not always aware of the greater plan so it’s important to trust in a higher power.
Our love was a gift I will cherish forever. The hardships we endured and the challenges we faced broke me down to the core of my being. In my struggle to understand and through my anger and pain I was able to break through the hard shell I built around my heart. I prayed to God for many years, as I wanted to find my self. I wanted to let go of the roles I played in an attempt to be loved. I wanted to walk my path and not the path set out by others. I wanted to be safe to explore the inner depths of my soul. I wanted to let go of anything that was holding me back from achieving oneness with my higher soul. I wanted to release and let go of the insecurities that weighed heavy on my heart. I wanted to let go of my fears and anger. I wanted to embrace my inner child and learn to love my self…my true self.
Part of my prayer being answered was falling in love with this amazing man who walked in to my life and shared his heart with me. He reflected things I needed to see about myself and he was a catalyst for the lessons I learned. My relationship with him was a blessing…a gift from God. Not only did I find myself, I emerged from a dark cocoon as a butterfly with wings of brilliant light.
I feel free for the first time in my life and I mean free as a hawk sailing high in the sky. I would not be here had it not been for this amazing man, the yoga teacher training, the trip to India, and for all the incredible work I did in between. Some of it was extremely painful and harder than anything I’ve ever endured, but the light was worth the blood, sweat, and tears.
I was beginning to think I was broke…that I would never be able to let him go. My heart was with him every day. There wasn’t a moment that went by when I didn’t think about him or wonder how he was doing. When we broke up, I didn’t want to believe it…I felt anger and hatred I never felt before…I felt moments of sadness that left me wanting to take my life…I felt alone and scared and now almost a year later, I am finally done…I am free.
In honoring my feelings and allowing myself to feel the pain in losing him, I was able to finally let him go and it was in an instant…just like that and not a moment too soon. I will never stop loving him, as he had a beautiful spirit, but I was finally able to accept and let go. I am grateful as the grief is finally gone and I can now sit in a place of gratitude and divine love for what we shared. Love and loss can be painfully grueling, but if you allow yourself to process in due time, you will find the journey to be insightful and enlightening.
Dubai September 28, 2008
Posted by admin in : Travels Tags:consciousness, Dubai, energy, expectations, judgments, Meditation, psychoenergetic, trust , add a comment
I honestly didn’t know anything about Dubai or what country it was in until a couple weeks before I left. I mean seriously…Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Jordan, Iran…they’re all in the same country, right? Okay, I’m kidding. I realize they are all separate countries. I just never paid much attention to any one in particular. They all linked together in my brain as the “Middle East.” I never realized the United Arab of Emirates was actually a country and not part of Saudi Arabia, but this is one of the reasons I like to travel.
I was given an itinerary for the trip, but I didn’t pay much attention to it, as my focus was getting my business off the ground. I put all my trust in Deborah and her husband who organized the trip. She’s a good friend of mine and I knew she would take care of every last detail. Her husband lives in India and she has been there many times so I knew they had everything under control. The only thing I had to do was apply for a Visa and make sure I was at the airport the night of the flight.
On some level I didn’t really want to know any of the details because I didn’t want there to be any expectations. In my mind I was going to India to experience nirvana in one of the holiest places in the world. I didn’t need to worry about the details or stress over anything out of my control. This was a trip about trust and letting go so that’s what I did. I knew we were flying in to Dubai and I knew it wasn’t actually in India, but in my mind we were going to India so Dubai was somewhere in India, right? I didn’t even give it a second thought until I heard someone talking about the 5 hour flight from Dubai to New Delhi and then it all started to sink in.
The three days in Dubai were spent exploring my inner “self” in an attempt to purify my body of negative thoughts and/or deep rooted negative emotions. I was grateful we stayed in a 5-star hotel with a beautiful outdoor swimming pool lined with colorful flowers and lush landscaping, a state of the art workout facility, sauna, Internet service, lavish buffets, comfortable beds, and impeccable service. It was all very comfortable and pleasing to the physical body, which made it possible for me to do such deep work on my most inner self.
We learned several powerful meditation techniques, which were designed to take us deep in to the core of our being where serious psychoenergetic work could be done. I thought I purged everything during teacher training. I was done…finished…ready to fill up with divine goodness. Right! Keep dreaming! There are apparently layers upon layers of stuff waiting to come out and there will always be more layers to work through, as spiritual work is not something that ever ends. It’s a continuous evolution. The world’s largest proverbial onion!!!
The clarity and consciousness you receive from doing this work is divine, but it is a commitment and you have to be ready before you embark on such a journey. You have to be ready to face your fears…pain from grieving and loss…insecurities…painful memories…traumatic experiences…sexual issues…co-dependency…addictions…anger…depression…imperfections. It’s not for everyone and I would only suggest it to someone who was really ready to experience a heightened state of consciousness and had the right teachers for support and proper guidance, as its intense.
There was a part of me that felt like I was on vacation, as I was spoiled by the luxury of waking up and going for a morning swim and then relaxing in the sauna before taking a hot shower and heading down to an extravagant breakfast. I also got to spend my evenings touring the booming city of Dubai…driving by some of the most innovative real estate projects in the world. It is truly a unique city of free trade and tourism with a 37 billion dollar economy and the most spectacular skyline you’ve ever seen.
The other part of me felt like I was in spiritual boot camp, as my days were spent in lecture learning techniques to connect to my higher self. I had to sit through many intense meditations, which stirred up emotions and brought up judgments towards myself and others. Meditations are able to purify and help the body let go of stuff that no longer serves you so as emotions and pent up feelings are released, all kinds of things come up. Things you don’t really want to see, but need to see in order to heal and grow spiritually. It takes a lot of energy to heal at this level, which can leave you depleted and emotionally drained, but working through these types of things creates an energetic shift that brings an awareness and sense of self you can’t put in to words.
By the last day my mind refused to absorb anything else. I was frustrated and irritated and needed to disconnect from all of it so a group of us went out to have some fun, but we paid for it because we had to check out of the hotel at 2am that night and we didn’t get back until 11pm. I literally slept 2 hours, but it was worth it because we were able to get a really nice meal and a glass of wine, which I desperately needed.
Teaching yoga…full time August 6, 2008
Posted by admin in : Spiritual Growth Tags:dreams, Fear, full time yoga teacher, honoring yourself, right decisions, trust, yoga teacher , add a commentTwo weeks ago I was still sitting at a crossroads trying to figure out what I was going to do with my life. My dream was to write and teach yoga, but a little voice in my head kept telling me I couldn’t survive teaching yoga…I wouldn’t make any money. I was use to a corporate salary, paid time off, and benefits. Every time I thought about starting my own business doing the thing I love the most, I would get this tinge of excitement in my belly, but then this pestering little voice would come back and start telling me I was crazy…go back to corporate.
I was offered two different positions will well known companies in the Orlando area, which is where I use to live. My little brother is still there, as well as, my beautiful tribe of women. I also have a niece on the way so taking either position would have made it possible for me to see her all the time. It was a done deal, right? I had two concrete offers sitting on the table, which meant I could move back to Orlando with all my friends in an environment I was already comfortable, I would have income coming in right away, and life would be great, right?
No! I hate Orlando. It’s flat, hot, and uninteresting. I lived there for 8 years and couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I absolutely love Atlanta and didn’t want to leave. My heart would fill with an incredible sadness every time I thought about moving. My life was in Atlanta…my yoga studio and teachers…my spiritual network…my homeopathic doctors… my energy healer. Why would I even think about leaving? I’ll tell you why. I was scared…scared of not finding a job in Atlanta and making it financially.
I wasn’t trusting myself or the divine powers to be. The only reason I was even thinking about moving to Orlando was because it was immediate income and it was easy. You should never make a decision based out of fear or because it’s the easy thing to do. If you are, you are making the decision for the wrong reasons. Once I stopped and asked myself, “What would you do if you could do absolutely anything you wanted and there was nothing stopping you,” I knew. I would write and teach yoga.
So there it was…the moment of truth. I turned down both jobs and then verbally stated to the Universe that I was going to stay in Atlanta, teach yoga, write in my blog, and I wasn’t going to starve doing it. I was being called to bring yoga to corporate, as I witnessed firsthand the stress people faced on a day-to-day basis and I saw the beautiful gifts yoga brought to employees in the work place. I knew in my heart it was what I was suppose to be doing so I had to trust, let go, and go for it. As soon as I made the decision and I mean AS SOON AS I made the decision, my whole life turned around.
I’ve never been more clear about anything in my whole life. It’s time for me to do what I love and love what I do. There’s no better feeling in the world than to have clarity on something as overwhelming as trying to figure out what you want to do with your life. Mental barriers are hard to get through, but when you do, it’s like a bolt of lightening comes out of the sky and fills you with a sense of knowing that is clear as day. It’s as if someone lifted the veil and you can finally see…FINALLY! It’s empowering and livens you in a way I can’t even begin to describe. I’m here to tell you if you follow your dreams and you make conscious decisions that contribute to your overall well being, the universe will support you 100%.
Do not let fear stop you from doing something you love. Open your heart and follow your dream. I promise you it’s possible. You have to honor yourself first and foremost. The universe can’t help you if you can’t help yourself and sometimes you have to dig through the sludge to get to where you’re going, but once you get there, you would trudge through it again 10 times over if you knew the end result was the same…it feels that good!