Done and Free August 2, 2009
Posted by admin in : Life 101 Tags:freedom, negativity, Relationships, victim, yoga teacher training , add a commentI recently read a blog post entitled “Three Powerful Words.” The 3 words… “I AM DONE.” As I read the blog, the words danced off the screen singing to me like lyrics of a song. Another’s experience can only resonate at that level when one has encountered the same, as knowledge is what unites sentiment beings and connects us to all. One cannot have compassion without empathy for another. It’s what fuels our emotions and grounds us to reality.
The premise of the blog was people get stuck in situations because they perpetuate suffering through destructive thought patterns and the language they use. People who are unhappy propagate negativity and get stuck there because the mind only preserves pessimism. One cannot find relief or be free until the cycle is stopped, as negativity breeds negativity. I’ve been there to see it…it’s like being pulled down by a tidal wave to the bottom of an ocean and drowning, as the air slowly deprives you of your life.
The thing about spiraling downward is you eventually hit rock bottom and then there’s nowhere else to go, but up. I spent most of my life, as a victim…a victim of abandonment…a victim of abuse…a victim of control…a victim of manipulation. It played out in many forms and in many different relationships. I didn’t even know I was playing the role, as it became my identity…it comforted me and gave me something to blame and a place to hide when I was hurt. It was my shelter…my refuge from pain. I suppose there was a part of me who needed it…a sense of protection until I was able and strong enough to confront the shadows on my own.
For that to happen I needed to feel safe and being safe for me meant getting out of an environment where I was being controlled, manipulated and judged, but it took a lot of inner strength that I was only able to achieve after years and years of work…work on myself…digging through layers and layers of baggage.
Often we don’t even realize we’re in toxic environments because something about it fuels our fire and gives us a false sense of self. We feel secure in relationships because something about the other person makes us feel whole, but it’s not authentic, as we are the only ones who can make that connection. This is one of the reasons relationships end because as each person grows, he or she eventually finds his or her own self worth and the other person is no longer necessary to fill the void. If a false sense of security is what initially bonded the relationship, than there might not be enough left to keep it alive.
It wasn’t until I truly found myself and became whole without needing another person there to complete me or play a role of someone or something I was denied as a child that I was able to see the victim, surrender the victim, and change the semantics of my life. I never felt good enough as a child and I struggled with the lack of confidence for a really long time. It wasn’t until yoga teacher training that I was finally able to open up and start the process of healing. It took me being in a circle of like-minded loving people who accepted me unconditionally to finally feel safe.
It was in the sanctity of these yogis that I was finally able to surrender and take off the masks I’d been wearing. I was no longer the victim…I was a survivor…I was free…I was ME! This abandon would have never been possible had I not been “done” playing the victim because one can’t be done with something until one is truly DONE.
If you’re still suffering in some way or find yourself spiraling downward, ask yourself what you’re getting from it. If you weren’t getting something, you wouldn’t still be there and it’s okay if you still need to be there. You just need to be okay with it or do something about it, as you are the only one who can do it.
My mother once said to me “nobody is coming to save you.” I hated the words as they spilled over her lips because I knew she was right. I spent most of my life waiting for someone to save me. I wanted someone to make me feel safe…to protect me from the pain I felt as a child…to hear my cries for help…to erase the wrongs imposed upon me and make them right. In the end, it was me who came to save me. When you are finally able to say, “I am done,” you will be done and you will be free.
Another perspective June 19, 2008
Posted by admin in : Irritations Tags:awareness, ego, negativity , 1 comment so farConscious awareness is the key to a healthy relationship because it enables you to communicate through your essential nature instead of in your mind, which just conjures up ridiculous thoughts and unnecessary emotions. When we live in thought forms or the ego-driven self, we do not respond to situations from a place of love, which is why I got so mad this evening when my friend told me he was going to be late for dinner.
We had plans to go out after my yoga, which usually gets out around 7:15-7:30. I brought a change of clothes with me since we were meeting between 7:45 and 8:00 and I wouldn’t have the time to go home first. At 7:30 I got a text message saying he was going to be late and asked if we could meet at 8:30. I was irritated because I didn’t have the option to go home and suddenly had 45 minutes to burn. It might not have bothered me as much had he not been late the last time we got together, but making a girl wait twice is not what I call “earning brownie points” and I hate waiting…especially since I’m one of those people who is always on time.
My initial knee-jerk reaction went something like this, “What? He’s going to be late AGAIN??? I should have known !#$%^&* (that’s me cursing). Lovely…I see how important I am and what a priority our date is to him. And why is he going to be late? Because he was at the gym and didn’t realize the time? It’s rude to keep someone waiting…especially a second time! It’s inconsiderate. He knew what time we were suppose to meet…why couldn’t he schedule his time accordingly. It’s not rocket science. Now I have to sit and wait and I HATE to wait, but whatever, right? What other option do I have at this point? Be mad…tell him I don’t want to meet him anymore?”
My ego wanted to be mad, but I didn’t want to be mad…what a waste of beautiful energy! I had to interrupt all the nonesense running through my mind so I took a deep breath and then thought about it from a different perspective.
The flip side went something like this, “Oh, who cares…he’s going to be late…it’s nothing new…he’s always late. He’s not really being inconsiderate or disrespecting our relationship…he’s just one of those people who gets caught up in the moment and is never really worried about planning ahead. He’s always running around at the last minute taking care of stuff…it didn’t matter if he was getting on an airplane or moving out of an apartment or an office space or going to a wedding or meeting me for dinner…he just always seemed to be on ”his” time.
Does this mean he’s wrong and I’m right because I’m always on time and he’s always late? Of course not. It just means that we are different and we have different habits and sometimes our habits conflict. It’s life and you can’t change someone just because their priorities are different than yours. Sure, I could have been mad at him, but that would have ruined our entire evening. My other option was to let it go and be at peace with what was happening.
As it turned out, I ended up getting all turned around and got lost so had he not been late, it would have been me…either way we weren’t there by 8:00 and there was a wait anyway so what was the big deal, right? I ended up ordering myself a drink from the bar and just hanging out watching people come and go. It was a beautiful evening and the moon was full so it was actually nice having the space to just “be!”
Had I allowed myself to get upset the evening would have been quite different and not so peaceful so I’m glad I made the choice to let it go. It certainly takes a lot more energy to be negative so why even bother? Try it sometime. Just be aware of the next time you feel yourself starting to get upset with someone and use it as an opportunity to see things differently. You’ll be amazed at the difference in how you react. All it takes is a little self-awareness and life gets easier.
Some critics would say, “Well it IS rude to be late and keep someone waiting and you shouldn’t let it go without speaking your truth.” I say, “Who cares? Does it really matter? He’s not going to change whether or not I get upset about it. It’s my decision whether or not to go out with him knowing he will probably be late so I only have myself to blame. I have to accept him for who he is and if I can’t then I shouldn’t make plans with him. We all have the choice to react negatively or just stay in a beautiful space. Thoughts are extremely powerful and if looking at life in a more positive way brings a sense of peace and equanimity than why waste time on being negative? It just doesn’t make sense.