Meditating to Noise July 20, 2009
Posted by admin in : Meditation Tags:distractions, meditate, peace, silence , 1 comment so farThere’s nothing more unsettling than the sound of a dog barking continuously because the owner chained the poor little guy outside and then left for the day. The yelping and howling a couple doors down superseded the soothing sounds of my Chi Gong alarm. Since there was no option to snooze, I reluctantly dragged myself out of bed earlier than I wanted. I went and taught a class and then came home to meditate, but realized as soon as I sat down, the barking prevailed. The mongrel was still at it and driving me absolutely insane. I couldn’t relax and my central nervous system was kindling. Normally I can drop right in to the silence and let my body settle with very little effort, but this morning was mentally taxing.
I typically use a mantra when I meditate, but not even the soothing vibration of the sacred Sanskrit word could settle my mind in to silence. I took a breath in and silently cursed cujo on the exhale and then I breathed in and said my mantra and then I went right back to wishing the dog would roll over and die. The first 10 minutes were excruciating, but then one of two things happened. Either the dog took a short break or I completely let go and sank deep in to a place of silence because one moment there was nothing and then the next, the sound of the dog’s voice barking in my head again.
It took everything in my power to sit the entire 20 minutes, but it was a good lesson. Sure it’s easy to meditate when there’s silence, but isn’t it just as essential to be able to drop in to a similar quiet space amongst the backdrop of constant noise in our life? A regular meditation practice is definitely a reprieve from the mental chatter and external stimulation we face every day, but why settle for 20 minutes a day? Why can’t we incorporate the same philosophy to our every day life? The racket will always be there whether we want it or not so it’s about sifting through all the hullabaloo and focusing on the things that really matter…the things that bring us peace and make us feel good. Too much of our attention is put on the negative, the noise, and the chaos in our lives. Why not put more attention and emphasis on the other?
Petrified of an MRI February 9, 2009
Posted by admin in : Fear Tags:claustrophobic, Fear, meditate, mind over matter, MRI, neck injury, valium , add a commentAfter 6 months of weekly doctor visits and physical therapy appointments, my neck still wasn’t healed from the accident back in July so I finally gave in and told the doctor I would get an MRI, although I was terrified. Being claustrophobic, I was scared to death at the thought of being braced down and put in some tube while beams of magnetic rays captured images of my neck. I expressed my apprehension with the doctor so he wrote me a prescription for Valium. I felt relieved knowing I could take something to alleviate the anxiety, but the more I thought about it, the more I was opposed to it.
I considered my body a temple so it was important to take care of it. Although I’m a yogi aficionado, I’m certainly not a textbook purist. I just do the best I can when it comes to eating healthy and making decisions that affect my mental and physical state of being, which means putting as few chemicals in to my body as possible. I realized taking one Valium wouldn’t kill me, but it was more than just taking a pill. Part of my journey was about getting in touch with my body and mind and finding a healthy balance between the two. Covering up my fear would only suppress it more so if I was afraid of the dark and being confined, then I needed to get in touch with the fear and heal it instead of taking a chemical to mask it.
I decided to get the prescription filled anyway because I thought it would be better to have it just in case I changed my mind at the last minute, but then I got up to the counter at the pharmacy and couldn’t find my debit card. I must have left it in my jeans pocket or a jacket or something because it wasn’t anywhere to be found. I didn’t have enough cash on me so I knew it was a sign. I was meant to embrace the fear and see it through so I let it go and went home. Ironically, I later discovered my debit card in my purse. It was there the whole time so I knew without a doubt that I made the right decision.
I spoke to my mom later that afternoon and she asked me how long I typically meditated for in the mornings. I told her 20 minutes so she said I should just meditate since the procedure would take about the same amount of time. Right! Of course. Why didn’t I think of that? I felt empowered and ready to face my fear, but the morning of the appointment came and my body shut down. The closer I got, the more nervous I felt. My chest felt like it was caving in and my heart wouldn’t stop racing. The back of my throat was constricted and my body tensed with fear. I could feel the switch as the sympathetic nervous system kicked in and my body went in to fight or flight.
The technician could tell I was scared to death so she told me not to worry…that I would be fine…that she could hear me and I could hear her and we would be connected the entire time. The moment she braced me in, my entire body froze and tears welled up in my eyes, but I was scared to cry because I didn’t want to move. I was told that in order for a MRI to be effective, the person had to remain completely still and I didn’t want to go through it again so I was determined to get it right the first time.
I closed my eyes and brought my awareness to the breath just as I did every morning when I sat to meditate. Inhale…exhale…inhale…exhale. But wait…that noise…it’s really loud…oh, her voice…I hear her voice…I’m okay…she’s with me…inhale…exhale…noise….really loud overbearing sounds of magnetic rays coming from the machine…panic…I’m okay…inhale…exhale…more noise…my heart…noise…I can’t breathe…inhale…exhale.
It was the longest 20 minutes of my life, but I survived the terror even though I was stiff as a board when the technician pulled me out of the tube and released the harness that held my neck and head in place. She smiled and said, “Now that wasn’t so bad, now was it?” I looked up at her and felt the surge of adrenaline rush out from the center of my chest, as my body released the fear and tension from being absolutely petrified. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and the sweet lady just sat there with me, as she gave me the space to release the emotion and fear I had harbored for so long.
I walked out feeling light and free, but being claustrophobic was not something that would just go away at the drop of a hat. It would take time and more experiences of sitting with the fear and making the decision not to run. Had I taken the Valium, I wouldn’t have released what I did, as it wasn’t meant to be a quick fix…it was about me sitting with the fear and breathing through it. Fear only has power over you if you allow it. It’s not going to overtake you or kill you. It may paralyze you or prevent you from having peace in your life, but you are the one who decides, as the only thing to fear is fear itself.
I took the images to my doctor immediately after and he said, “Wow…these are the best images I’ve ever seen…I’ve never known anyone to sit still enough to get this kind of clarity…you were either calm as a cucumber or paralyzed with fear.” HA! I laughed and said, “If you only knew.”
Yoga Teacher Training June 25, 2008
Posted by admin in : Yoga Tags:balance, Eight Limbs of Yoga, meditate, Pantanjali, pranayama, purification, transformation, yoga teacher training , 3comments
Yoga Teacher Training is a remarkable journey! I graduated the 200 hour course at Peachtree Yoga Center in February 2008 and then went directly in to the Advanced Teacher Training program. Combined, these courses literally revolutionized the way I live. At first, I wasn’t exactly sure what I was going to get out of it, but I knew intuitively it was something I needed to do.
I went in thinking I knew who I was, but found out there was a completely different person beneath all the layers of memories, experiences and influences programmed from the past. I spent my whole life reacting to life and then suffering from the consequences of my reactions. My mind defined me according to my career, material possessions, relationships, social status, and other things that lived outside of me (having nothing to do with “me”).
Teaching Training explored not just the physical, but the emotional, the mental, and the energetic body. We were given the proper tools to get in and change old self-defeating thought patterns and emotional programming. This purification led me to a place of stillness and balance. I didn’t realize the importance of Pantanjali’s 8 limbs of yoga until I took the course and was taught the value of incorporating these principals of moral conduct in to my everyday life. It wasn’t just about the physical practice or learning how to teach the poses. It was about being ethical and having integrity and living life from a place of authenticity. It was about having self-discipline and detaching from the external world and the roles we play . It was about breathing and cultivating a sense of internal awareness of who we are beyond the labels and material possessions. It was about concentration and meditation. It was about enlightenment being a journey and not a destination.
It was about finding a delicate balance of effort and inertia. I spent years trying to achieve a place of equanimity where the lows weren’t so low and the highs weren’t so high, but it wasn’t until teacher training that I learned how to achieve a place of stillness amongst the activity of every day life. I didn’t want to become a monk and go live in the mountains and meditate. I wanted to live every day life with every day people without being attached or having expectations or letting the world’s suffering affect me. I wanted to experience life from a place of peace. I wanted to dance with life and breathe in to existence without feeling fear or anger for all the ignorance.
The 8 limbs helped me understand why balance was so important and why asanas on their own couldn’t bring a state of equanimity. It was an enriching and profound discovery that led me to adopt these principals personally and professionally. The mediation and pranayama played a huge component in my transformation. By use of a mantra I was able to empower myself to go beyond the ensuing thoughts. I was able to drop in to a place of silence where I experienced an eternal freedom. I found a place of stillness where there was infinite possibilities and untold wisdom. Once you know who you are the world opens up to you…the sky’s the limit. The world becomes yours because you realize you are the world and the world is you…there is no separation of self and the whole…there is no longer an ”I.” It’s about union…the divine whole of all the individual counterparts that make up the universe.
When you reach this place, which is your true essential nature, everything in your life changes. Your relationships improve because you finally have the ability to communicate from a place of truth and truth is always about love…loving yourself and the world in which we live. It makes you a better teacher because you are practicing what you teach.
I will be forever in debt and utterly grateful to my divine teachers at Peachtree. Teacher Training gave me a safe space to do the work I needed to grow and open my eyes to something far greater than anything I ever expected. I weaved myself a little cocoon where I went deep within myself and flew out a beautiful radiant butterfly who was finally free. Peachtree is the Mother Tree and Graham and Ursula are the inner being of that tree. They are the soul of the studio and they speak the truth…they live the truth…they are the truth. They truly get it and they dedicate their lives unselfishly to helping others find their own truth…their internal light…the light that shines out from within.