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Rebirth November 5, 2009

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People often ask me if I’m ”always” happy and I can’t help, but laugh because I’m the most sensitive person on the planet. Just because I have a positive outlook on life and live everyday to it’s fullest, doesn’t mean I don’t go through rough periods or experience sadness or even bouts of depression. None of us are spared from the shadow. We just handle it differently and I, personally, choose to deal with it head on because I know that being sensitive and allowing myself to feel every passing emotion creates beautiful space and a shift in consciousness that brings about profound awareness and mental clarity. My journey is about exploring the inner truth that seeks to be sought, as I want to grow and learn as much as I can. 

The problem is that sometimes we don’t want to see the truth because often times it can be painful. For me most recently, it was realizing my dream to be married and have children might not ever happen. After finding myself in another relationship with someone who didn’t believe in the constitution of marriage, I knew it was time to face the fact that my journey might be something other than I had hoped. I just couldn’t continue thinking about it and dreaming about it while knowing I was in a relationship with someone who dreamed otherwise. The alternative was to leave a man I loved, but my feelings were too strong so I had to let go.

Letting it go didn’t happen overnight, as it took me revisiting it and going over it in my mind again and again. What made it so difficult was the ego telling me I didn’t deserve to be married or have a child, that I was being punished for something, which is just old programming and conditioning from the past. Our spirits know better because when it comes right down to it, we are all worthy of the absolute very best and if I were truly meant to get married or have a child, it would happen whether I obsessed about it or not so why not just let it go and be free?

Even though I finally found the emotional strength and confidence in myself to let it go, it wasn’t easy. When a person holds on to a dream for so long, it becomes a part of the body’s physiology and letting go of old patterns can illicit strong emotions so I went through a bout of depression. My spirit felt lost and my hope smothered by despair, but I knew that a huge spiritual transformation was about to occur so I had to allow myself to feel the sadness because the only way for a person to know light is to know dark. 

In order to shine out from within, you have to be willing to sit in the shadow and endure a little suffering or heartache in order to really awaken and open your eyes to a higher truth. The more in touch you can get with your pain, the more in touch you will be with life, but that means getting to know it, being one with it, feeling it on every level. Once feelings surface, they can be released and what remains is a new sense of direction and a greater understanding of self and how it relates to the world.

Life is about living and dying, as one cannot be with the other just like the sun cannot be without the moon or the day without night. When something begins to shift energetically, you have to be patient because in order for transformation to occur, you have to be willing to let go of old thought patterns…old ideas…old social and cultural programming. This can feel like death in a way, but once the dark shadow clears, an absolutely radiant light fills the soul and you feel a sense of freedom you’ve never felt before. 

I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow or the next day. I just know right here right now and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and the freest I’ve ever felt.  I’m creating my own destiny now…what I want…what I need…what I deserve and it feels so good not to be trapped behind a fairytale anymore. I wish more people were committed to the journey because the shift in global consciousness would be a collective uprising of positive energy that would have such a huge impact on the world.

People just need to stop following the minds of others and have more confidence in themselves, as people tend to beat to the sound of our culture’s drum just going with the flow like puppets being pulled by the strings of politics and media. I realize it’s much easier to follow traditions and societal riches than to do the work necessary to grow spiritually, but we’re never going to evolve as a culture if we remain stuck in the old way of doing things.

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Just for a Week November 28, 2008

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I met a really special guy a couple weeks ago in my yoga class. He just so happened to walk in to the studio just as I approached the front door. We exchanged energy the moment our eyes met and then we practiced right next to one other so I was having a hard time keeping my eyes to myself. I know we’re not technically suppose to be looking at anyone, but I just couldn’t help it. He was extremely attractive and he had a beautiful body. His spirit felt so sweet and free and his energy seemed grounded but playful and his heart so open and genuine.

I thought it was quite ironic how I recently wrote a post about being free and finally being able to let go of my last relationship and then out of the blue I meet this guy, but that’s usually how life works. One door closes and another opens. Long story short, we end up spending the whole week together and had an amazing time. It felt really good to feel something for a guy, as it had been a long time coming. I actually started to believe I might not ever feel for anyone ever again, but then I saw this guy walk in to the studio and everything changed. 

It was so refreshing to be in the energy of someone so spiritually connected and I don’t mean in the way of religion or ”God,” but in the way of being connected to life and living. He was definitely aware of something greater, as he was living life consciously and with divine awareness. He was one of the few who truly understood life and was one of the most real people I had ever met. I just felt so comfortable around him…like we had been friends for years.

We covered a lot of ground in the week we spent and I felt amazingly close to him just after 5 days. Being with him was intoxicating and absolutely surreal. We spent a lot of time talking about life, playing downtown and hiking in the North Georgia mountains. I was intrigued and fascinated by everything he had to say and I wanted to know more, but the week was all we had, as he was from the West Coast and here on business getting ready to fly to the other side of the world to manage a job for the next year and a half. I was really bummed the day he flew out, but I had to let it go, as everything happens for a reason and I firmly believe there are no such thing as coincidences. People come in to our lives for a reason and we may never know the “why,” but we have to trust in our higher selves even if we can’t intellectually wrap  our minds around it.   

I kept trying to figure out why this guy walked in to my life. I didn’t understand and thought maybe the Universe was playing a little cosmic joke on me. I would have moved across the world to be with this guy, as crazy as that sounds and I couldn’t explain it if I tried. It was just one of those things, but when it was all said and done I realized it wasn’t about me giving up my life for another man, as I had done so many times before. It was about me waking up so I could let go of the past and make room for the new. He came in to my life and and lit the fire that died with my last relationship…he reminded me of what was truly important and the kind of man I wanted in my life.

We have to trust in the moment and enjoy the ride, as it’s not about the destination. We waste too much time and energy trying to understand life and the things that happen to us that are beyond our comprehension, as we over think everything. There’s a lot of freedom in letting go and enjoying the moment. There wasn’t a lot I could do, but be thankful this man walked in to my life and shared his heart. Albeit brief, our time together was so very sweet and I’ll always remember the beautiful time we shared. It’s not always about understanding why something is happening. Sometimes its just about sitting with it…being with it…appreciating it and then releasing it to something much greater.

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Acceptance…the final stage… October 17, 2008

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Everyone experiences loss at some point in their life, whether it is the loss of a job, the death of a loved one, or the end of a relationship. Everyone responds processes and handles grief in their own way because we were raised differently. Our emotional response depends upon our personality, culture, spiritual beliefs, and religious practices.  The one thing that stays constant is the process, as everyone goes through similar stages of denial, pain, anger, sadness, loneliness and then acceptance. Anyone who has grieved knows there comes a time when the pain finally subsides and you are free. It’s almost as if it happens in an instant…a single moment in time.  

I don’t know what determines how long a person will grieve, but I do know that when it’s done, it’s done. There are many beautiful gifts that arise out of the final stage of accepting and letting go. There’s an awakening of consciousness and liveliness about your being that radiates from within because once the pain is gone, the body has a spaciousness the whole world can see. You feel magnificently alive and you have a new profound sense of self.  It’s absolutely beautiful to witness someone letting go, as the freedom shines right through their eyes.

It took me a long time, but I finally let go of the relationship that ended almost a year ago.  I’m not quite sure how to explain it, but something magical happened. It was if the universe pulled the remaining feelings out of my heart and freed me from the pain and hurt I was still harboring. I never loved another man the way I loved this man. He was absolutely everything to me. It was love at first sight and there was no doubt in my mind he was the one for me, as we talked about marriage and the possibility of creating a family.

I spent the past year trying to understand what happened…trying to understand why the Universe had other plans for us…trying to understand why our paths couldn’t be one. I was mad at the Universe for taking my love away…mad at myself for being committed to a spiritual journey that took me in a different direction. When it was all said and done what I realized was that it didn’t matter what happened between us and nobody was to blame. It was about the beautiful time we spent and the memories we created. It was about the intensity of our love and the life we shared.

There comes a time when you have to accept the fact that perhaps you’re not always meant to be with the person you think you’re suppose to be with in the terms of forever. Everyone is on their own journey and your life’s purpose may or may not take you in a different direction.  It’s possible for two people to share a life together and walk along different paths as long as the relationship is supportive and nurturing. It’s important to continually grow mentally, spiritually, and emotionally so a relationship shouldn’t hold you back or inhibit you in any way.

People waste precious time blaming or faulting their partner for stuff that doesn’t really matter in the end. It’s not always about this or that, but something much greater than you or I. If it’s not working, it’s not working. It’s nobody’s fault. It just may be the inevitable. Be grateful for the times you shared together and for all the beautiful things the relationship brought in to your life, but then accept and honor one another when its time to part ways. We are not always aware of the greater plan so it’s important to trust in a higher power.

Our love was a gift I will cherish forever. The hardships we endured and the challenges we faced broke me down to the core of my being. In my struggle to understand and through my anger and pain I was able to break through the hard shell I built around my heart. I prayed to God for many years, as I wanted to find my self. I wanted to let go of the roles I played in an attempt to be loved. I wanted to walk my path and not the path set out by others. I wanted to be safe to explore the inner depths of my soul. I wanted to let go of anything that was holding me back from achieving oneness with my higher soul. I wanted to release and let go of the insecurities that weighed heavy on my heart. I wanted to let go of my fears and anger. I wanted to embrace my inner child and learn to love my self…my true self. 

Part of my prayer being answered was falling in love with this amazing man who walked in to my life and shared his heart with me. He reflected things I needed to see about myself and he was a catalyst for the lessons I learned. My relationship with him was a blessing…a gift from God.  Not only did I find myself, I emerged from a dark cocoon as a butterfly with wings of brilliant light.

I feel free for the first time in my life and I mean free as a hawk sailing high in the sky. I would not be here had it not been for this amazing man, the yoga teacher training, the trip to India, and for all the incredible work I did in between. Some of it was extremely painful and harder than anything I’ve ever endured, but the light was worth the blood, sweat, and tears. 

I was beginning to think I was broke…that I would never be able to let him go. My heart was with him every day. There wasn’t a moment that went by when I didn’t think about him or wonder how he was doing. When we broke up, I didn’t want to believe it…I felt anger and hatred I never felt before…I felt moments of sadness that left me wanting to take my life…I felt alone and scared and now almost a  year later, I am finally done…I am free.

In honoring my feelings and allowing myself to feel the pain in losing him, I was able to finally let him go and it was in an instant…just like that and not a moment too soon. I will never stop loving him, as he had a beautiful spirit, but I was finally able to accept and let go. I am grateful as the grief is finally gone and I can now sit in a place of gratitude and divine love for what we shared. Love and loss can be painfully grueling, but if you allow yourself to process in due time, you will find the journey to be insightful and enlightening.  

 

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Emotional Release Through Asana May 9, 2008

Posted by admin in : Yoga Tags:, , , , , , , , 1 comment so far

If you practice yoga long enough you will eventually experience what yogis call an “emotional release.” Strong emotions and repressed traumas create memories, which can be held in the body for years. Our bodies are incredibly intelligent and our conscious thoughts directly affect our subconscious mind. The old adage says we are what we eat and so goes the mind.  We are what we think.  If you harbor negative thoughts and emotions, there’s a high probability your life experiences will reflect the same. Think about it…you never hear a wealthy person saying how broke he is and you never see a person who says their always broke with money. We should all be more cognitive of our thoughts, as the mind is very powerful.

It’s important to know we are not just physical bodies…we have energetic bodies as well and when the flow of energy through the body is impeded by negatively charged emotions or destructive thought patterns, the cellular structure of our bodies become damaged resulting in disease and illness. People would rather put their emotions behind them than deal with the pain of feeling them, but your body doesn’t want to deal with them any more than you do. We hold on to a lot more than you think and the beauty of yoga is that it works on all levels whether you are conscious of it or not.

Just how an insect may get trapped in a spider’s web, emotional trauma can get entangled in the web of fascia that protects and isolates the muscles in the body. Aanas work with the breath to open the muscles and the connective tissue that envelope these parts of the body. Opening up and stretching this fascia, releases the emotions, which can be healing on many levels. If this stuff isn’t released, it will turn in to disease because it wants out and the body will do everything in it’s power to get rid of it.

It’s a very beautiful experience to open up and let go and yoga allows people to do this in a safe nurturing environment. Having an emotional release on the mat means your body is healing itself naturally. Even if you had a perfect childhood, there were moments when your needs weren’t met in some way or another. Emotions attached to these experiences and if the emotions had a strong enough charge, the likelihood of them being trapped in your body is very high. All of us have stuff that needs to be released. It’s just a matter of how we go about doing it. Some people prefer therapy…others energy work…and then there are those who just allow their bodies to get sick rather than deal with it, but there are so many tools availabe if you’re willing to do the work. Yoga is just one of those tools.

Similar to jumping off a mountain, a strong asana practice can push you to your limits, taking you beyond what you thought possible. It’s all about stepping out of your safety net and reaching a place to where you have no control and when you make the decision to take that kind of step, you find things out about yourself you never knew. I’ve had many emotional releases in my life and many of them have been through my yoga practice, but something happened to me the other night that was quite different from the rest. 

After doing two rounds of back bends, my teacher asked if anyone wanted to do a wall drop back. I had done many drop backs with the support of a teacher so I thought, “yeah, sure…why not…I can do it.” Keep in mind I had no idea what a wall drop back was, but I was feeling warm and a little bold so I thought, “Why not?” You stand with your back to the wall…about a foot in front…you put your hands on the wall above your head as if you were prepping to do a full wheel….you slowly begin to walk your hands down the wall as your feet walk forward…you do this until you walk yourself completely down the wall in to a full back bend.

Up until the half way point I was doing pretty good…it was challenging and I liked the fact that I was pushing myself to the edge,  but then all of a sudden I moved past the half way point and my body froze. I was stuck and I couldn’t move. I was literally terrified…scared to death. The only other time I remember feeling that way was  the first time I stepped off the side of a mountain looking my boyfriend square in the eyes knowing full well it could be the last time I ever saw him.

I came very close to screaming for my teacher, but then I thought, “I made it this far…I can do this…I’m going for it…” And there it was…the moment of truth…I took one more step out with my feet and then released one hand and then the other from the wall as both hands made contact with the mat beneath me and it was in that exact moment I felt an explosion of energy pour out from my heart and through my entire chest and then down my legs and arms. I just froze there in full wheel scared to death. I thought if I moved a single inch my entire body would  come crumbling down to the ground. I took a couple deep breaths and then moving slowly, released myself down one vertebrae at a time. The moment my entire back body was in full contact with the mat, I began to cry. 

I have no idea what I released or where it came from, but it was powerful and extremely healing and I felt like a new person that night. Whatever it was is gone and my body was able to do let go of it on a subconcious level without me ever knowing where it came from or why it was there so I encourage you to  come to the mat with the intention of letting go…releasing whatever it is in your body that wants/needs to go. It’s about making room for new energy and higher emotions. You will be amazed at the gifts you receive just by allowing yourself to heal in this way. Go ahead…break though…let go and heal.

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