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Rebirth November 5, 2009

Posted by admin in : Spiritual Growth Tags:, , , , , , add a comment

People often ask me if I’m ”always” happy and I can’t help, but laugh because I’m the most sensitive person on the planet. Just because I have a positive outlook on life and live everyday to it’s fullest, doesn’t mean I don’t go through rough periods or experience sadness or even bouts of depression. None of us are spared from the shadow. We just handle it differently and I, personally, choose to deal with it head on because I know that being sensitive and allowing myself to feel every passing emotion creates beautiful space and a shift in consciousness that brings about profound awareness and mental clarity. My journey is about exploring the inner truth that seeks to be sought, as I want to grow and learn as much as I can. 

The problem is that sometimes we don’t want to see the truth because often times it can be painful. For me most recently, it was realizing my dream to be married and have children might not ever happen. After finding myself in another relationship with someone who didn’t believe in the constitution of marriage, I knew it was time to face the fact that my journey might be something other than I had hoped. I just couldn’t continue thinking about it and dreaming about it while knowing I was in a relationship with someone who dreamed otherwise. The alternative was to leave a man I loved, but my feelings were too strong so I had to let go.

Letting it go didn’t happen overnight, as it took me revisiting it and going over it in my mind again and again. What made it so difficult was the ego telling me I didn’t deserve to be married or have a child, that I was being punished for something, which is just old programming and conditioning from the past. Our spirits know better because when it comes right down to it, we are all worthy of the absolute very best and if I were truly meant to get married or have a child, it would happen whether I obsessed about it or not so why not just let it go and be free?

Even though I finally found the emotional strength and confidence in myself to let it go, it wasn’t easy. When a person holds on to a dream for so long, it becomes a part of the body’s physiology and letting go of old patterns can illicit strong emotions so I went through a bout of depression. My spirit felt lost and my hope smothered by despair, but I knew that a huge spiritual transformation was about to occur so I had to allow myself to feel the sadness because the only way for a person to know light is to know dark. 

In order to shine out from within, you have to be willing to sit in the shadow and endure a little suffering or heartache in order to really awaken and open your eyes to a higher truth. The more in touch you can get with your pain, the more in touch you will be with life, but that means getting to know it, being one with it, feeling it on every level. Once feelings surface, they can be released and what remains is a new sense of direction and a greater understanding of self and how it relates to the world.

Life is about living and dying, as one cannot be with the other just like the sun cannot be without the moon or the day without night. When something begins to shift energetically, you have to be patient because in order for transformation to occur, you have to be willing to let go of old thought patterns…old ideas…old social and cultural programming. This can feel like death in a way, but once the dark shadow clears, an absolutely radiant light fills the soul and you feel a sense of freedom you’ve never felt before. 

I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow or the next day. I just know right here right now and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and the freest I’ve ever felt.  I’m creating my own destiny now…what I want…what I need…what I deserve and it feels so good not to be trapped behind a fairytale anymore. I wish more people were committed to the journey because the shift in global consciousness would be a collective uprising of positive energy that would have such a huge impact on the world.

People just need to stop following the minds of others and have more confidence in themselves, as people tend to beat to the sound of our culture’s drum just going with the flow like puppets being pulled by the strings of politics and media. I realize it’s much easier to follow traditions and societal riches than to do the work necessary to grow spiritually, but we’re never going to evolve as a culture if we remain stuck in the old way of doing things.

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Done and Free August 2, 2009

Posted by admin in : Life 101 Tags:, , , , , add a comment

I recently read a blog post entitled “Three Powerful Words.” The 3 words… “I AM DONE.” As I read the blog, the words danced off the screen singing to me like lyrics of a song. Another’s experience can only resonate at that level when one has encountered the same, as knowledge is what unites sentiment beings and connects us to all. One cannot have compassion without empathy for another. It’s what fuels our emotions and grounds us to reality.

The premise of the blog was people get stuck in situations because they perpetuate suffering through destructive thought patterns and the language they use. People who are unhappy propagate negativity and get stuck there because the mind only preserves pessimism. One cannot find relief or be free until the cycle is stopped, as negativity breeds negativity. I’ve been there to see it…it’s like being pulled down by a tidal wave to the bottom of an ocean and drowning, as the air slowly deprives you of your life. 

The thing about spiraling downward is you eventually hit rock bottom and then there’s nowhere else to go, but up. I spent most of my life, as a victim…a victim of abandonment…a victim of abuse…a victim of control…a victim of manipulation. It played out in many forms and in many different relationships. I didn’t even know I was playing the role, as it became my identity…it comforted me and gave me something to blame and a place to hide when I was hurt. It was my shelter…my refuge from pain. I suppose there was a part of me who needed it…a sense of protection until I was able and strong enough to confront the shadows on my own. 

For that to happen I needed to feel safe and being safe for me meant getting out of an environment where I was being controlled, manipulated and judged, but it took a lot of inner strength that I was only able to achieve after years and years of work…work on myself…digging through layers and layers of baggage.

Often we don’t even realize we’re in toxic environments because something about it fuels our fire and gives us a false sense of self. We feel secure in relationships because something about the other person makes us feel whole, but it’s not authentic, as we are the only ones who can make that connection. This is one of the reasons relationships end because as each person grows, he or she eventually finds his or her own self worth and the other person is no longer necessary to fill the void. If a false sense of security is what initially bonded the relationship, than there might not be enough left to keep it alive.

It wasn’t until I truly found myself and became whole without needing another person there to complete me or play a role of someone or something I was denied as a child that I was able to see the victim, surrender the victim, and change the semantics of my life. I never felt good enough as a child and I struggled with the lack of confidence for a really long time. It wasn’t until yoga teacher training that I was finally able to open up and start the process of healing. It took me being in a circle of like-minded loving people who accepted me unconditionally to finally feel safe.

It was in the sanctity of these yogis that I was finally able to surrender and take off the masks I’d been wearing. I was no longer the victim…I was a survivor…I was free…I was ME! This abandon would have never been possible had I not been “done” playing the victim because one can’t be done with something until one is truly DONE.

If you’re still suffering in some way or find yourself spiraling downward, ask yourself what you’re getting from it. If you weren’t getting something, you wouldn’t still be there and it’s okay if you still need to be there. You just need to be okay with it or do something about it, as you are the only one who can do it.

My mother once said to me “nobody is coming to save you.” I hated the words as they spilled over her lips because I knew she was right. I spent most of my life waiting for someone to save me. I wanted someone to make me feel safe…to protect me from the pain I felt as a child…to hear my cries for help…to erase the wrongs imposed upon me and make them right. In the end, it was me who came to save me. When you are finally able to say, “I am done,” you will be done and you will be free.

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Just for a Week November 28, 2008

Posted by admin in : Relationships Tags:, , , , , , , add a comment

I met a really special guy a couple weeks ago in my yoga class. He just so happened to walk in to the studio just as I approached the front door. We exchanged energy the moment our eyes met and then we practiced right next to one other so I was having a hard time keeping my eyes to myself. I know we’re not technically suppose to be looking at anyone, but I just couldn’t help it. He was extremely attractive and he had a beautiful body. His spirit felt so sweet and free and his energy seemed grounded but playful and his heart so open and genuine.

I thought it was quite ironic how I recently wrote a post about being free and finally being able to let go of my last relationship and then out of the blue I meet this guy, but that’s usually how life works. One door closes and another opens. Long story short, we end up spending the whole week together and had an amazing time. It felt really good to feel something for a guy, as it had been a long time coming. I actually started to believe I might not ever feel for anyone ever again, but then I saw this guy walk in to the studio and everything changed. 

It was so refreshing to be in the energy of someone so spiritually connected and I don’t mean in the way of religion or ”God,” but in the way of being connected to life and living. He was definitely aware of something greater, as he was living life consciously and with divine awareness. He was one of the few who truly understood life and was one of the most real people I had ever met. I just felt so comfortable around him…like we had been friends for years.

We covered a lot of ground in the week we spent and I felt amazingly close to him just after 5 days. Being with him was intoxicating and absolutely surreal. We spent a lot of time talking about life, playing downtown and hiking in the North Georgia mountains. I was intrigued and fascinated by everything he had to say and I wanted to know more, but the week was all we had, as he was from the West Coast and here on business getting ready to fly to the other side of the world to manage a job for the next year and a half. I was really bummed the day he flew out, but I had to let it go, as everything happens for a reason and I firmly believe there are no such thing as coincidences. People come in to our lives for a reason and we may never know the “why,” but we have to trust in our higher selves even if we can’t intellectually wrap  our minds around it.   

I kept trying to figure out why this guy walked in to my life. I didn’t understand and thought maybe the Universe was playing a little cosmic joke on me. I would have moved across the world to be with this guy, as crazy as that sounds and I couldn’t explain it if I tried. It was just one of those things, but when it was all said and done I realized it wasn’t about me giving up my life for another man, as I had done so many times before. It was about me waking up so I could let go of the past and make room for the new. He came in to my life and and lit the fire that died with my last relationship…he reminded me of what was truly important and the kind of man I wanted in my life.

We have to trust in the moment and enjoy the ride, as it’s not about the destination. We waste too much time and energy trying to understand life and the things that happen to us that are beyond our comprehension, as we over think everything. There’s a lot of freedom in letting go and enjoying the moment. There wasn’t a lot I could do, but be thankful this man walked in to my life and shared his heart. Albeit brief, our time together was so very sweet and I’ll always remember the beautiful time we shared. It’s not always about understanding why something is happening. Sometimes its just about sitting with it…being with it…appreciating it and then releasing it to something much greater.

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