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Archetypes July 17, 2010

Posted by admin in : People, Spiritual Growth Tags:, , , , , , 1 comment so far

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Ever since I was introduced to the 4 archetypes by Carolyn Myss – the saboteur, the victim, the prostitute, and the child – my level of awareness has gone from ordinary to superlative. Who knew we all had these shadowy reflections of our inner selves lurking just beneath the conscious mind?

Anyone who has taken a psychology class has read about and/or studied the great Pioneer of Transpersonal Psychology, Carl Jung. His premise was that there was a relationship between the conscious and the unconscious. He termed the word individuation to mean a process of self growth that linked the ego to the self. He said the ego was the conscious and the self was the center of the collective whole (the unconscious and the conscious). He conceptualized the idea that we were all born with inherited predispositions that caused us to act and behave in certain ways. These predispositions are what he defined as archetypes, which (if left understood) would yield somewhat of a negative undertone when (in actuality) they are neutral forces. It is our perception and labeling of good and bad that have given our archetypes an uninterested connotation.

Caryolyn Myss, one of my favorite mystic authors, is a medical intuitive and has been in the filed of energy medicine and human consciousness for over 20 years.  In her book, Sacred Contracts and Advanced Energy Anatomy, she goes in to the 4 survival archetypes in great detail in how these ancient universal patterns of behavior are deeply imbedded in to the collective unconscious. These archetypes are fundamental forces that exist beyond our conscious knowing. They show up in our thoughts and actions and are repetitive in nature. All 4 archetypes are present in each and every one of us and although they are universal in nature, some are more dominant than others depending upon our heritage and upbringing.

Getting to know these unconscious patterns and behaviors is to embody the soul. We all think, feel, and experience the world in different ways and when we experience life through an unconscious lens, we are living and reacting to life through fear and vulnerability, but if we allow yourselves to awaken and live life more consciously, we are able to live and experience life from a place of love.

I was intrigued by the notion that there could actually be psychological reasoning for the maddening unconscious behaviors that exist within all of us. Could these archetypes really open us up to a greater understanding of ourselves and the unconscious patterns we create in the psyche? As I began to understand each individual role, I slowly and painfully became aware of their energy. Before the idea of unconscious patterning, I simply lost myself in the shadow of these archetypes that took up residence in the unconscious mind.

I began to witness myself metamorphosing in to character and I could hear myself saying, “What are you doing? This isn’t you.” But it was me…the unconscious me…the wounded child me…the victim me…the prostitute me…the saboteur me. They were the me’s I hid behind in order to protect myself from being physically and/or emotionally hurt. It was safer to plunge in the vast expanse of illusion than to be confronted with the reality of life. When we’re ignorant we are safe and not responsible for the truth so we fall prey to the shadow side of our archetypes who play out the same story over and over again in an attempt to feel safe.

With awareness comes responsibility so I can no longer hide behind the shadow of these archetypes. I have to step out and be my authentic self. I have to have the courage to be who I truly am and the shadows help me do this. They surface to give us insight in to ourselves. They give us the tools and power to heal the burdensome past. They help us let go of the baggage we’ve been carrying around for years, but we have to get to know them and understand them and welcome them as our allies. If we don’t take the necessary step to understanding them and the roles they play, we will continue to remain stuck in the behaviors and patterns of the shackling past.

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Accept the Ignorance and own the Anger January 18, 2010

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I spoke to a good friend the other night and she was really upset with all the anger she was feeling towards her mom. She just wanted it to go away so she could be happy again and I could relate to what she was saying. It’s frustrating not being able to understand some of the choices or decisions people make in their life, but there’s nothing you can do about it because each person is on their own journey exploring life through his or her own eyes and only acting in accordance to what he or she knows. It may not make sense to you, but that’s life.

You will only exhaust yourself trying to understand so have faith that everything happens for a reason and everyone is interconnected and a part of the greater whole so every person and every being has its place in the world. If your consciousness expands and someone else’s doesn’t, whether it be a partner, a family member, a friend, or colleague, you probably won’t be able to connect with them in the same way, as we are only able to operate within the capacity of our past experiences and social and cultural upbringing. You simply can’t explain the way you see life and expect everyone to “get it” because we’re all in different places spiritually, physically, and emotionally. You can only love them for who they are and the path they are on and know they are doing the best they can with the tools they were given.

And you can’t take it personally because there’s a lot of ignorance out there and a lot of people sleep walking through life. Some people just don’t get it and will never get it…not in this lifetime any way and there’s nothing you can do about it so just accept what you’re feeling and be present with whatever arises. Every time I try and understand people and some of the choices they make, I get angry and I feel alone in my thoughts and beliefs and it makes me wish I never started down the spiritual path, but I would never go back…not for anything in the world.

I just have to honor my feelings as they come up and not label them as good or bad. Feelings are a part of life and we need to allow and accept all that is within us, which is why I laugh when someone asks how I’m doing and I say, “angry” and they look at me like I’m crazy. People think I’m always “happy,” but I’m human and I get downright mad at times and I’m not going to suppress my feelings and pretend they don’t exist because I know the anger or sadness or whatever I’m feeling will subside a lot sooner if I just allow myself to feel whatever it is I’m feeling.

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Rebirth November 5, 2009

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People often ask me if I’m ”always” happy and I can’t help, but laugh because I’m the most sensitive person on the planet. Just because I have a positive outlook on life and live everyday to it’s fullest, doesn’t mean I don’t go through rough periods or experience sadness or even bouts of depression. None of us are spared from the shadow. We just handle it differently and I, personally, choose to deal with it head on because I know that being sensitive and allowing myself to feel every passing emotion creates beautiful space and a shift in consciousness that brings about profound awareness and mental clarity. My journey is about exploring the inner truth that seeks to be sought, as I want to grow and learn as much as I can. 

The problem is that sometimes we don’t want to see the truth because often times it can be painful. For me most recently, it was realizing my dream to be married and have children might not ever happen. After finding myself in another relationship with someone who didn’t believe in the constitution of marriage, I knew it was time to face the fact that my journey might be something other than I had hoped. I just couldn’t continue thinking about it and dreaming about it while knowing I was in a relationship with someone who dreamed otherwise. The alternative was to leave a man I loved, but my feelings were too strong so I had to let go.

Letting it go didn’t happen overnight, as it took me revisiting it and going over it in my mind again and again. What made it so difficult was the ego telling me I didn’t deserve to be married or have a child, that I was being punished for something, which is just old programming and conditioning from the past. Our spirits know better because when it comes right down to it, we are all worthy of the absolute very best and if I were truly meant to get married or have a child, it would happen whether I obsessed about it or not so why not just let it go and be free?

Even though I finally found the emotional strength and confidence in myself to let it go, it wasn’t easy. When a person holds on to a dream for so long, it becomes a part of the body’s physiology and letting go of old patterns can illicit strong emotions so I went through a bout of depression. My spirit felt lost and my hope smothered by despair, but I knew that a huge spiritual transformation was about to occur so I had to allow myself to feel the sadness because the only way for a person to know light is to know dark. 

In order to shine out from within, you have to be willing to sit in the shadow and endure a little suffering or heartache in order to really awaken and open your eyes to a higher truth. The more in touch you can get with your pain, the more in touch you will be with life, but that means getting to know it, being one with it, feeling it on every level. Once feelings surface, they can be released and what remains is a new sense of direction and a greater understanding of self and how it relates to the world.

Life is about living and dying, as one cannot be with the other just like the sun cannot be without the moon or the day without night. When something begins to shift energetically, you have to be patient because in order for transformation to occur, you have to be willing to let go of old thought patterns…old ideas…old social and cultural programming. This can feel like death in a way, but once the dark shadow clears, an absolutely radiant light fills the soul and you feel a sense of freedom you’ve never felt before. 

I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow or the next day. I just know right here right now and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and the freest I’ve ever felt.  I’m creating my own destiny now…what I want…what I need…what I deserve and it feels so good not to be trapped behind a fairytale anymore. I wish more people were committed to the journey because the shift in global consciousness would be a collective uprising of positive energy that would have such a huge impact on the world.

People just need to stop following the minds of others and have more confidence in themselves, as people tend to beat to the sound of our culture’s drum just going with the flow like puppets being pulled by the strings of politics and media. I realize it’s much easier to follow traditions and societal riches than to do the work necessary to grow spiritually, but we’re never going to evolve as a culture if we remain stuck in the old way of doing things.

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Taking the “Red” Pill June 15, 2009

Posted by admin in : Spiritual Growth Tags:, , , , , , , , 1 comment so far

Making a commitment to walk the spiritual path and be devoted to your higher self is like taking the red pill in the movie Matrix. Once you take it, there’s no going back. You can no longer claim blissful ignorance once you’ve been freed from the delusional reality you were once living. You have to be steadfast in your pursuit for happiness because you are no longer in the dark and have to be responsible and accountable for your actions. This often means being knee-deep in spiritual work, as you peel away layers of the proverbial onion and it’s not always pleasant and sometimes it’s downright painful, but it’s invaluable and feeds you in a way money can’t.

Spiritual work brings light and love and states of bliss that fill your entire being with such presence and divine awareness. The more work you do, the more you experience states of pure consciousness where life makes sense and you are right with the world. Being committed to a spiritual journey brings awareness and sense of self that fills your life with such peace and balance, as you are freed from the ego and the doom and gloom of being a mortal in this unjust world. Everyone has access to this joy, but unfortunately, many people are content with the blue pill because ignorance is bliss. Some just don’t care to do the work and I don’t blame them because there are definitely days I wish I could go back. 

The kind of joy you get from doing spiritual work doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a daily practice and takes perseverance, as some days are easier than others and you never quite know when life is going to throw you a lemon. You just have to be able to take the lemon and make lemonade and appreciate the gifts however they come. We create our reality through our intentions and actions so if there is something we need to learn, we subconsciously put ourselves in situations that teach us about ourselves and the world in which we live.

Whether it is a friend, a family member, a random stranger, a partner, or a colleague, relationships are opportunities to learn things about ourselves and grow both personally and professionally. Once you understand this, you begin to cultivate the seed of awareness and a shift begins to happen. The lessons begin to exponentially multiple as your consciousness expands because your able to see the bigger picture.

The more your consciousness expands, the more your self defeating limited ego tries to regain power by telling you stories that make you feel insecure and weak because the ego wants to keep you in a state of ignorance. It becomes an internal conflict and struggle that can be overwhelming because on one hand, you know you’re growing and learning something beautiful, but on the other hand, your ego makes you feel worthless and doubt what you know to be true.  

If you find yourself pointing fingers or placing blame on someone, take a step back and look within yourself to find the gift in the emotions you’re feeling because you’re just clearing stuff out and making space for more light to flow in your life. Relationships help you get rid of baggage that no longer serve you so don’t see arguments or challenging situations as a conflict. See them has opportunities to learn something new about yourself. Once you own your own stuff, clarity will follow and you will be one step closer to knowing your true essential nature.

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Reflections on the Mat May 12, 2009

Posted by admin in : Yoga Tags:, , , 2comments

What happens on the mat during a yoga practice is usually a reflection of what’s happening in the outer world of self so you can learn a lot just by being aware of emotions, thoughts and/or frustrations that come up during the physical practice. Students ask me all the time if they’re doing the poses correctly, but it’s not about doing it right or wrong, as there is no such thing as a perfect pose. It’s just about getting on the mat and doing it. Whatever your body is doing at the time is right and no two practices are alike, as life is dynamic and our bodies always changing.

I watched a student’s practice flourish over the first year she was with me and I could tell she was proud of herself and was more comfortable in her body than when she first started, but she approached me after class last week and told me she was frustrated because she didn’t feel like her practice was growing anymore. Her mind was telling her stories and making her feel like she wasn’t good enough because the better we feel about ourselves, the less power we give to the ego and our lower emotions. As a result, the ego tries to diminish our self confidence in order to gain some control back.   

I congratulated her for taking the practice to a new level because what she described to me was exactly what happens as a practice matures. You get more comfortable in your skin and with the poses that once seemed so foreign and you begin to move deeper in to the experience of yoga. It’s no longer just about the poses, as layers of the “proverbial” onion begin to peel away. The practice starts to work on a physiological level, which is where the real work begins.

If you’re frustrated, good! It means something wonderful is happening. It means you are growing spiritually emotionally and mentally. Pay attention to what comes up. Just being aware will give you insight to the deeper teachings of your inner self. Don’t label your practice as good or bad. Yoga is a beautiful journey that can take you deep within yourself and it’s in that place where you find peace and calm in a way you’ve never felt before.

It’s not always easy facing yourself and honoring parts of yourself you may have buried, but the clearing that happens from doing such deep work is profound and takes you to a place of beautiful serenity. It’s just about getting on the mat and practicing, as your higher self will take care of the rest.


The Ego is not Necessarily the Enemy February 23, 2009

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There are times when life seems to be perfectly aligned with your inner purpose and everything is completely effortless, but then out of the blue, you find yourself feeling lost and totally disconnected. I spent years staggering between extremes. I was either feeling good or bad…up or down…in one direction or the other. One moment I indulged in every desire and the next I sought out simplicity and purity. I felt bipolar, as there was a part of me that loved to be wild and crazy, but then there was another part of me that liked to be settled and virtuous.

Living from one extreme to the next left me exhausted and yearning for balance. Why couldn’t I find a happy medium where both the fun wild party girl and the meditating peaceful yoga girl could live in harmony without feeling like it had to be all or nothing. It took many years of living between the two worlds before I learned how to peacefully incorporate the two. My yoga practice and commitment to spiritual growth is what brought equanimity and ease in to my life.

In finding balance and keeping my body and mind connected, I’m now aware when my ego starts to take over and pull me in a different direction because I can see the shift happening, as I find myself skipping yoga practice, being more judgmental, making excuses as to why I can’t meditate, craving sweets and partying like a rock star.  Things that don’t typically bother me start to get to me and I tend to react instead of handling conflicts more passively. A fire blazes through me, as my wild child unleashes and suddenly I become stubborn and liberated with no sense of grounding.

When these things start happening, it’s a clear indication I need to pull back the reins a bit and come back to a place of equanimity, but before I can do that, I have to look at my life and figure out what caused the shift. An imbalance usually means something isn’t working. There’s a relationship that has gone awry, a job that needs to end, or some other change that needs to happen. When something is out of sync, the sympathetic nervous system kicks in to fight or flight and I go in and hide, as the protective ego steps in to save me. I use to think the ego was bad because it took me away from my healthy yogic lifestyle, but now I see it as my body just trying to get my attention. 

I don’t have to run anymore, as I now honor the presence of the ego as my protector. I witness the body shutting down. I see the signs. I’m aware of being ungrounded and not centered or aligned with my higher purpose and the moment I become aware is the moment I find my way back to the mat and to the daily morning ritual of sitting in meditation. It doesn’t take much for me to remember my true essential nature and be back in touch with my higher self. I don’t have to live in extremes anymore. I can live in a place of balance without having to swing between the bipolar worlds of self and ego.

If familiar negative habits and patterns start showing up in your life, then it’s a pretty good indication you need to get back on the mat or do something to nurture yourself. The longer you wait, the longer it will take for you to get back to a place of center. It’s truly about living life more consciously and being aware of your habits so you can see shifts happening before they overcome you. Once the pendulum swings back to neutral, the things in your life that caused you to sway from your path will magically fall by the wayside. Everything in life is interconnected so listen to your body and honor yourself. It is your inner experience of self that guides you…not your thoughts or emotions, but your true higher self. The only way you’ll know when it’s time to end a relationship or change jobs or make a positive change in your life is by quieting the mind and going within to the inner sanctuary of self, which is where the rest of the world seems to fall in to place.


A yogi with implants December 18, 2008

Posted by admin in : Health Tags:, , , , , , , , , , , , , 4comments

There seems to be a lot of controversy in the yoga community as to whether or not a yogi should undergo breast augmentation, but who is to say what is right or wrong when it comes to someone else’s body? We all have the freedom to do as we choose, but yogis tend to be judged more harshly because having something artificial surgically implanted in the body does not fall in line with the basic core principals of the traditional yogic lifestyle, as described in the Yoga Sutra of Pantanjali.

I found myself at a crossroad about a year ago when I went in for a consultation to speak to a plastic surgeon about getting implants. I spent hours on the internet researching everything there was to know and there was a ton of comprehensive information on what type of implants to get, what size, risks, costs, sensitivity, side effects, types of incisions, saline vs. silicone, complications, testimonials, and how to choose the right plastic surgeon, but nothing made mention to the fact that my body would spend the rest of its life trying to break down the silicone-rubber shells because the body’s ego-system would never accept the implants  as part of the natural order of life within the body.  

No matter which way I looked at it or how I tried to rationalize it in my mind, the bottom line was I was going to pay thousands of dollars for something I wasn’t even sure my body would accept. Had it been a year sooner, I probably would have done it, but I was being pulled towards a more holistic way of living and my conscience would no longer allow me to go through with it. It seemed hypocritical for me to preach about how bad partially hydrogenated oils, high fructose corn syrup, and paraben chemicals were for the body and then turn around and have artificial breasts implanted in mine. It seemed to go against everything I believed in as a yogi so I had to consider my reasoning for wanting to get it done and what the implications would be if I went through with it. 

Yoga wasn’t just about the physical asana practice…it was about every aspect of my being.  It was about making an effort to live up to a certain standard that supported an overall healthy disposition because yoga wasn’t just an age-old sacred practice, but a healing art and highly respected philosophy.  The Eight Limbs of Yoga, as described by Pantanjali, seemed to endorse an overall healthy lifestyle and a more fulfilling and meaningful life so I could easily see how following the 10 steps could lead to virtuous transformation and self-realization. I wanted to uphold the core values as closely as possible and getting implants didn’t seem to be in integrity with the values I was trying to uphold as a yogi. 

I really wanted to go through with the surgery, but I also wanted to embody the art of right living and the sacred union between the mind, body, and spirit as much as possible so I realized I needed to look at the root of why I was feeling self-conscious and heal whatever insecurities I had before making the decision to move forward.   

Through a committed yoga practice, I got more in touch with my body and in the process, I learned how to love myself and build confidence I never had growing up. I finally felt good in my body for the first time in years and although I still wanted the surgery, I made the decision not to go through with it, but that’s not to say others should do the same, as we are all walking along different spiritual paths. We need to make decisions based on what’s best for our own bodies and it’s not for anyone else to judge.

We live in a world where beautiful models and porn stars are idolized, but even they are not perfect. We all have insecurities or hang-ups and we can’t compare ourselves to the celebrities we see on television. Our world is so judgmental; it’s no wonder we never feel good enough. It was important for me to be able to love myself and be happy in my own body so I had to let go of the self-defeating thought patterns I had grown accustomed to as a child.

Everybody has the right to feel beautiful and if that means undergoing surgery than so be it. It’s just important to think long and hard about what’s right for you because breast augmentation is a big decision and you might be judged as a yogi, but it’s your body so it’s your decision…just make sure you’re making an informed decision so there are no regrets later.


Pure Consciousness August 4, 2008

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What is “pure consciousness”? I’m always talking about being awake or conscious, but then it dawned on me that people may have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about. What would you say if someone asked you the question, “Who are you?”  I was actually asked this question on the application for Yoga Teacher Training and my first response was, “Oh, that’s easy…I’m this…I’m that…I’m…I’m.” I had to keep starting over because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t put it in to words…it was beyond words.

We are not our jobs and we are not the cars we drive or the homes we live in. We are not the clothes we wear or the friends we hold. These are just identities we associate ourselves with on a day-to-day basis. There is so much more to us than life’s external identifiers, but sometimes it takes a paradigm shift to open yourself up to seeing beyond the veil and realizing there’s a duality to our existence. Do me a favor and wiggle your toes. How are your toes moving? Your body, right? Well how did your body know to wiggle your toes? Because the body heard me say it or because something beyond the physical told the body to do it?

You could psycho-analyze this to death, but these types of questions aren’t suppose to be logically thought through. They are just here to get us to think outside the box. For example, how do you think the body heals itself when it gets sick?  Don’t think about it because it’s too complex for the mind to understand. The mind wasn’t meant to grasp such refinement, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t more going on just beneath the surface. People are stuck in wanting to understand from a logical perspective…they want cold hard facts…scientific proof.

Evolution can’t always be explained, but there is a beautiful higher intelligence that guides, heals, and protects us whether the mind grasps it or not. This inner intelligence is what some may refer to as our spirit or soul. This light within us is always trying to communicate with us, but we don’t always hear it because we are so distracted with life and everything going on around us.

Have you ever tried to have a conversation with a friend while you were at a rock concert? No, of course not. And why? Because you can’t hear each other, right? You would have to scream in order for you to talk and there’s a concert going on so why bother? Well think about what it must be like for your spirit to try and communicate to you when there’s constant noise in the background. We live in a world where people are in front of the television or listening to music or playing video games or out having fun with their friends allowing social conversations to mute the soul.

If you want to find your true essential nature, you have to step back from the distractions and allow for some quiet space in your life. Most people can’t stand to be alone or in any kind of silence because they are afraid of what they might see. The ego has done a good job in convincing you that you are not enough and it doesn’t want you to find yourself because that means you will see and feel the truth and will know that you are not the ego…you are not your thoughts…you are not your emotions. You are simply a beautiful compassionate  loving being who wants to be loved. The ego tells you love hurts and so you run from love, but you will never be able to free yourself from the ego until you learn to love yourself….your true beautiful self.

Pure consciousness is that place of divine love that rests peacefully beneath the thoughts and emotions and armor you wear. Think about a time you went up to the mountains or out to the beach and got up at dawn to see the sun rise? Think about the pervading quiet stillness. Think about the awakening dawn and all the pleasant sounds that rang out from the heart of the divine mother. Think about the sky and the marvelous colors that gave birth to new splendid hues of light. Think about the sun and the sweet peace you felt as it came up over the horizon. Think about how you felt in that moment of stillness with so much beauty surrounding you. It was pure and perfect in the unfolding moment because life was perfectly aligned. Feel in to the divine energy you felt…feel the peace and the love and all the stillness…what you are feeling is you…the real you…the soul you…the spirit you…the conscious you.

Your job…your social schedule…your house…your car….your favorite sport…your yesterday…your tomorrow……none of it truly matters in the grand scheme of things…it’s the beautiful loving “you” that truly matters. Somewhere deep within ourselves there is this yearning to be free from the ego. People who do not know themselves have this underlying unhappiness somewhere in their life and this malcontent will continue to haunt them until the day they die because they are stuck in the pattern of negative thoughts, strong emotions, and thinking they have to be this or they have to be that in order to be happy. All it takes to move through the disontent is to be fully present…without judgment or fear….give yourself the freedom of being in the here now and the beautiful conscious “you” will fully emerge from deep within the depths of your being!


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Another perspective June 19, 2008

Posted by admin in : Irritations Tags:, , , 1 comment so far

Conscious awareness is the key to a healthy relationship because it enables you to communicate through your essential nature instead of in your mind, which just conjures up ridiculous thoughts and unnecessary emotions. When we live in thought forms or the ego-driven self, we do not respond to situations from a place of love, which is why I got so mad this evening when my friend told me he was going to be late for dinner. 

We had plans to go out after my yoga, which usually gets out around 7:15-7:30. I brought a change of clothes with me since we were meeting between 7:45 and 8:00 and I wouldn’t have the time to go home first.  At 7:30 I got a text message saying he was going to be late and asked if we could meet at 8:30. I was irritated because I didn’t have the option to go home and suddenly had 45 minutes to burn. It might not have bothered me as much had he not been late the last time we got together, but making a girl wait twice is not what I call “earning brownie points” and I hate waiting…especially since I’m one of those people who is always on time.

My initial knee-jerk reaction went something like this, “What? He’s going to be late AGAIN??? I should have known !#$%^&* (that’s me cursing). Lovely…I see how important I am and what a priority our date is to him. And why is he going to be late? Because he was at the gym and didn’t realize the time? It’s rude to keep someone waiting…especially a second time! It’s inconsiderate. He knew what time we were suppose to meet…why couldn’t he schedule his time accordingly. It’s not rocket science. Now I have to sit and wait and I HATE to wait, but whatever, right? What other option do I have at this point? Be mad…tell him I don’t want to meet him anymore?”

 My ego wanted to be mad, but I didn’t want to be mad…what a waste of beautiful energy! I had to interrupt all the nonesense running through my mind so I took a deep breath and then thought about it from a different perspective.

The flip side went something like this, “Oh, who cares…he’s going to be late…it’s nothing new…he’s always late. He’s not really being inconsiderate or disrespecting our relationship…he’s just one of those people who gets caught up in the moment and is never really worried about planning ahead. He’s always running around at the last minute taking care of stuff…it didn’t matter if he was getting on an airplane or moving out of an apartment or an office space or going to a wedding or meeting me for dinner…he just always seemed to be on ”his” time.

Does this mean he’s wrong and I’m right because I’m always on time and he’s always late? Of course not. It just means that we are different and we have different habits and sometimes our habits conflict. It’s life and you can’t change someone just because their priorities are different than yours. Sure, I could have been mad at him, but that would have ruined our entire evening. My other option was to let it go and be at peace with what was happening.

 As it turned out, I ended up getting all turned around and got lost so had he not been late, it would have been me…either way we weren’t there by 8:00 and there was a wait anyway so what was the big deal, right? I ended up ordering myself a drink from the bar and just hanging out watching people come and go. It was a beautiful evening and the  moon was full so it was actually nice having the space to just “be!”

Had I allowed myself to get upset the evening would have been quite different and not so peaceful so I’m glad I made the choice to let it go.   It certainly takes a lot more energy to be negative so why even bother? Try it sometime. Just be aware of the next time you feel yourself starting to get upset with someone and use it as an opportunity to see things differently. You’ll be amazed at the difference in how you react. All it takes is a little self-awareness and life gets easier.

 Some critics would say, “Well it IS rude to be late and keep someone waiting and you shouldn’t let it go without speaking your truth.” I say, “Who cares? Does it really matter? He’s not going to change whether or not I get upset about it. It’s my decision whether or not to go out with him knowing he will probably be late so I only have myself to blame. I have to accept him for who he is and if I can’t then I shouldn’t make plans with him. We all have the choice to react negatively or just stay in a beautiful space. Thoughts are extremely powerful and if looking at life in a more positive way brings a sense of peace and equanimity than why waste time on being negative? It just doesn’t make sense.

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Breaking through the core May 29, 2008

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I have been doing a lot of work on myself and as a result, I’ve released a lot of emotional baggage. There are no words to describe the intensity of the spiritual journey I’ve been on or the things I’ve learned about myself in the process. There were times I just wanted to quit…end the journey…stop discovering and unveiling parts of myself I didn’t know were there. It was much easier when I wasn’t doing the work and just living day-to-day without an understanding of why things happen the way they do or the underlying reason why people behave in certain ways because let’s face it…ignorance is bliss.

Sometimes I wish I never had the  yearning to know more…to go further…to delve deeper, but there’s no turning back…the journey began years ago, as there was something inside me that wanted to know the deeper meaning of life and I didn’t want to settle for mediocrity…I wanted something greater. I didn’t know what that meant, but that’s where the journey began…it was in the wanting to know more that my awareness started to unfold. All anyone has to do is set the intention and the path is theirs.

The journey was downright painful at times and emotionally draining because you have to face yourself, which is no small mountain to climb. People want to blame others or throw themselves in to work or distract themselves rather than look in the mirror and face the fact that we are living through a false sense of self. It’s much easier to remain unconscious and walk around being attached to the emotional, mental and physical forms we identify as ourselves, but we are so much more and there’s great beauty in awakening to the place in us that is beyond form.

I’ve been peeling off layers of the onion for years, but the process was accelerated when I started teacher training back in October. I knew it was going to be a lot of work, but I was willing to put in the time because I wanted to be free from anything that was holding me back. I wanted to break down the walls I built around my heart to protect the genuine place in me where we are all one…where we connect as one pure consciousness. That part of us that is immediately veiled the moment we are given identities by those around us.  

Unfortunately it was a process because there were so many layers of crap I had to get through, but I think I was finally able to break through the molten core that hardened after so many years of protecting myself. Metaphorically speaking, I allowed the core to crack open as I dropped back in to the full wheel (see the “Emotional Release through Asana” post). The shattering I felt throughout my body was the armor falling away and it left me feeling vulnerable and open in a way I’ve never felt before. So many emotions came rushing to the surface…anger and resentment led the way and these emotions came out of nowhere, but I allowed myself to be with whatever came up, which gave me the freedom and space to finally let go and with that came a sense of freedom that was incomprehensible.

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