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Mad at the world July 21, 2008

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I just went through 9 months of teacher training. I explored the dark sides of myself. I unveiled layers upon layers of the proverbial onion. I worked through intense emotional traumas I experienced as a child. I worked through layers of personal stuff that built up over the years. I finally got to the core of my being where there was silence and beauty. I formed a sense of awareness I never had before. I awakened to the pure consciousness that sat just beneath the busy egoic mind. I learned about the ego and the roles and identities I was hiding behind. I became more alive than ever before. I felt like a silent warrior resting upon a peaeful lotus. I was there…on top of the world…manifesting and creating the perfect life full of love and light and absolute joy. I was convinced I would be there forever…never to feel anger or fear again.

Then life came and slapped me in the face…waking me from such silly ridiculous nonsense. Suddenly I was unemployed, teacher training ended, dark emotions from the past rekindled, the anger and hurt surrounding my relationship resurfaced, the realization that my stuff was in storage and I was renting a room from someone when most people my age had mortgages and spouses and children set it. I didn’t know what I was doing or where I was going, I was hit by a drunk driver and couldn’t practice yoga, I was lost, alone, and scared. I felt like the whole world was crashing down around me and I didn’t even have the energy to stand up and fight and I’m a fighter. I’ve fought my whole life, but suddenly I felt exhausted…physically, mentally, and emotionally.

How does one get from the top of the world to this place of hurt and pain? I do all the right things and have all the right tools. I practice yoga faithfully, meditate daily, eat healthy, treat people with love and respect, think positively, and live my life from a place of love. What was I doing wrong? Why was I back at this place of uncertainty? Why weren’t my manifestations happening? Why did I try and go back to a relationship I was just finally getting over?

Jerry and Esther Hicks in The Teachings of Abraham Law of Attraction would say I’m never going to change my destiny by asking these questions in a negative context because our thoughts drive our actions and yes, I know all this and I usually do have a very positve state of mind, but then I get to this place where I feel like nothing I’m doing is working and it would be easier to just live in ignorance with everyone else, but I know I wouldn’t be happy there either so then I throw my hands up in the air and relinquish everything because I have nothing left to give.

There’s a part of me that feels guilty even saying this because there are people out there who have it a lot worse. We live in a world of suffering and there are people barely holding on because of war, disease, and personal loss. I realize the stuff going on in my life is minuscule compared to what’s going on in our world, but it’s how I feel and I owe it to myself to honor my feelings. It was never safe for me to feel in front of my family because they dealt with their feelings differently and I’ve been in relationships where I regretted every moment I ever showed any emotion because I eventually learned it wasn’t safe to feel in the front of the person I loved, but I’m tired of people not validating my feelings because it’s healthy to feel and nobody should ever make me feel bad about that.

Life comes at you like the waves of the ocean and you have to learn to ride the waves and float with the current instead of trying to paddle up stream. You are never going to get to that point of absolute peace until the day you die so if honoring your feelings by speaking your truth makes life alittle easier then so be it. Life happens…it’s not static…it’s ever-changing. You can’t stand still…you have to keep moving or life will eat you alive.  

I allowed myself to feel sad and alone and depressed for two days. I gave myself permission to stay in bed until 4pm, not eat anything, and feel sorry for myself…I allowed myself to feel sad and heavy in the heart. I allowed myself to be mad at the world…to be mad at the man I love…to be mad at my mother for being emotionally-unavailable to me…to be mad at the guy who ran in to the back of me…to be mad at myself for thinking love is always the answer…to be mad at all the angels I felt abondoned me. But tomorrow is a new day and the sun will rise again, but it will rise in a new energy…in a new love and I will start my day anew…with new positive manifestations…a new healthy attitude about myself and the world in which we live. I will find the good and I will move forward just as I’ve always done.

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