Last Day of 40's
This is the very last day of my 40’s. For me, this has been a rite of passage. I’ve been processing this milestone for months. When we look back at our lives, we should be proud. Living is no easy task. Growing is often challenging. Learning can be frustrating. Love … complicated. Yet, through it all, there is an undercurrent of knowing that drives us, motivates us, and propels us forward. We are magnificent beings living in these intelligent wise and profound bodies.
My 40th was celebrated in Australia and it was glorious. I was young, in love, and so very footloose and fancy-free. I had just recently closed on my first “big girl” house. It was my dream home and the first time with my name on legal title to real property. It was a very exciting time and I was literally living the dream. We worked hard and played hard and I loved our life together.
The year before I conceived, life did not come without its challenges, as our little peanut made us work for her. There was a lot of praying and hoping and holding on to faith. The year of pregnancy was magnificent and such an exciting time for me. I connected with her instantly and felt her presence in my body. It was a divine union between two souls who had been searching for lifetimes to find one another.
And then she came and my whole life changed in a moment. Motherhood is also a rite of passage. Moms get this. Dads do not. It’s just one of those things in life that’s indescribable. I had fulfilled my two greatest dreams. Having a child and getting married and then at 46 years old it all began to unravel. Two long and excruciating years later, I was divorced with fragments of my life … shattered … in tiny little pieces.
There were some very dark and depressing days, but I learned about the power of presence and the gift in my ability to stay, to feel and to be utterly vulnerable. Some days were better than others, but I did my work. It was a period of cocooning, deep transformation and rebirth.
I learned independence, surrender and trust at the deepest level. I learned simplicity and grace and forgiveness. I learned that I have a voice and that boundaries matter. I learned that I’m beautiful and special and deserve to be loved. I learned that I’m a survivor and a warrior and I don’t give up. I learned that I’m smart and capable and fiercely protective of the ones I love. I learned that being a single mom is hard, but the gifts and opportunities are endless. I learned that I don’t need a man to take care of me.
I’m in control of my own life and I take care of me. I may not have been able to defend or protect myself as a child, but I sure can protect her now and I see her in all her radiance. To all those who believed in me until I was able to believe in myself, thank you. I could not have done it without you and your support will never be forgotten. I feel seen and loved. I feel alive and free and happy and so very proud of myself.
The past decade has been quite the journey from living my best life to shattering into a million pieces to building an even better life. I’m embracing tomorrow with grace and ease and an immense amount of love for myself. I love you BeAnne Creeger and I think you’re awesome. You’re a great mom and your heart is even bigger than before. Your strength and determination are pretty amazing. You have the experience, drive, and deep spiritual wisdom to live your best life so look out world! The best is yet to come.
Peace, Love, & Bubbles!
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A wise woman once said, "fuck this shit" and she lived happily ever after.