Feeling Pain April 24, 2010
Posted by admin in : Relationships, Spiritual Growth , add a commentTo be able to feel pain is an extraordinary gift. Human suffering manifests in many forms taking shape in our bodies, minds, and hearts. Sometimes it just brushes the surface of our existence and other times it takes on a life of its own. Whatever form it takes or vessel it ensues, pain is meant to be a guide. It is not our enemy, as there is so much to gain from sitting in the midst of a taxing endeavor.
A couple months ago I found myself at an impasse and had to walk away from a romantic relationship. It was a tumultuous time and my heart ached, as I loved this person dearly. I did everything in my power to move on, but the pain weighed me down like a cement block shackled to the ground. Life as I knew it turned grey and bleak. Tears were plenty and many nights unrested.
Had I not allowed myself to fall in love, I could have picked up the shattered pieces of my heart easily and moved on without feeling such intense emotional pain, but instead I was left with the void he once filled. I struggled, as I tried to understand why something so beautiful had to come to pass. I knew it was suppose to happen because it happened. I just didn’t understand why. My thinking mind was tormenting and I fell powerless under the dark cloud that loitered my soul.
My heart felt hollow, as I ached to know why. I felt abandoned and my ego rejoiced in being the victim. How did I end up here and when would the destructive forsaken cycle end? When would loss cease to affect me and was it possible to let go of the past mental conditioning and create a new path for myself?
As I asked these questions, I began to become painfully aware of what was going on beneath the surface. I thought I was angry at the man who broke my heart. I wanted to be mad at him, but it wasn’t he who broke my heart. It was I who broke my heart. In losing myself to the relationship and taking up residence in his life, I disconnected from my own life leaving my inner child to fend for yourself. It was a pattern of self-abandonment I came to know well, as it was familiar and safe and deeply rooted in my psyche.
Losing someone I loved was simply the catalyst, a trigger if you will. The despair and pain I felt over the loss had taken me to my knees in order for me to truly see the deeply embedded issue of emotional neglect. That is what I needed to resolve and I knew I had compromised myself for the last time. I couldn’t change what was happening in the moment, but I could listen to the inner child screaming out and come to her rescue. She had been trying to reach out to me for a really long time, but it wasn’t until my heart was raw with grief that I finally heard her.
You can’t heal that which you are not aware and pain makes you conscious and gets you in touch with your inner most self, but you have to stop looking outward because the answers come from within. There was sadness around losing the man I loved, but the true heart-wrenching pain was from losing myself and in reconnecting to myself I was able to release the fear of abandonment, which opened me up to a much greater love than I ever expected and that is the love of myself.
It is our responsibility to seek out the greater truth in what we feel, but that means being with the heart and not being afraid of feeling strong emotions such as fear, hate, anger, sadness, and/or jealously. We have to stop self-medicating or distracting ourselves from the disquiet, as we are not truly living and growing spiritually if we brush our unease under the carpet or give it away unfairly. We have to own it, embrace it, and then rise above it.
Valentine’s Day February 14, 2010
Posted by admin in : Relationships, Spiritual Growth , 1 comment so far
Hearing the word “Valentine” use to send chills down my spine. All the fascination around a holiday of love use to leave me feeling weary and disappointed from all the miserable years I spent alone. Love and flowers and chocolate and an upsurge of romance on television and stores left me jaded and bitter and hating Cupid and his stupid holiday. All I ever wanted was to love and be loved yet there I was single while the rest of the world was submersed in public displays of affection.
This want and need for some display of affection was simply a result of me not feeling loved as a child. I spent years of wasted time and energy trying to get people to love me. I struggled because it seemed the more I wanted it, the more unavailable it became. I did everything right. I became an obsessive compulsive perfectionist all to get someone…anyone’s approval. It was a desperate attempt that left me feeling even more abandoned and emotionally exhausted.
It wasn’t until I had no energy left to be perfect anymore that I was finally able to let go. I finally got to a point where I didn’t care what anymore else thought of me or whether or not they approved. I was tired of beating myself up for nothing. I had become my own worst enemy; criticizing and judging myself for everything. Being hard on myself for not living up to my own expectation of having to be this perfect person.
I couldn’t keep punishing and blaming myself for every little fault and the irony was that when I finally let go and surrendered and started the journey inward, people started showing affection and love towards me and it all seemed foreign. I didn’t know what to do with it because by that point I had already given up and no longer needed it because I was learning to love myself.
The more I got in touch with my higher self and started to live my life more consciously, the more alive I became and the more love I felt from the world around me. That’s the thing. You have to reconnect to your center and love yourself before anyone else can truly love you and if you sit around waiting for someone to come save you, you’ll be waiting a really long time. You have to save yourself and then the world becomes an ocean of love and light in a way you never dreamed possible.
So I say to you on this most beautiful delicious day of love…”Love yourself and don’t sit around sulking and feeling sorry for yourself. Whether you’re in a relationship or not, let go of any expectations. This is just a day of love to love and be loved so start by loving yourself. Do something special for yourself whether that means going shopping and buying yourself something special or taking yourself to get a massage or cooking yourself a nice meal or taking a walk out in nature. The world is your oyster!”
Accept the Ignorance and own the Anger January 18, 2010
Posted by admin in : Life 101, People, Relationships Tags:anger, awareness, consciousness, Ignorance , add a commentI spoke to a good friend the other night and she was really upset with all the anger she was feeling towards her mom. She just wanted it to go away so she could be happy again and I could relate to what she was saying. It’s frustrating not being able to understand some of the choices or decisions people make in their life, but there’s nothing you can do about it because each person is on their own journey exploring life through his or her own eyes and only acting in accordance to what he or she knows. It may not make sense to you, but that’s life.
You will only exhaust yourself trying to understand so have faith that everything happens for a reason and everyone is interconnected and a part of the greater whole so every person and every being has its place in the world. If your consciousness expands and someone else’s doesn’t, whether it be a partner, a family member, a friend, or colleague, you probably won’t be able to connect with them in the same way, as we are only able to operate within the capacity of our past experiences and social and cultural upbringing. You simply can’t explain the way you see life and expect everyone to “get it” because we’re all in different places spiritually, physically, and emotionally. You can only love them for who they are and the path they are on and know they are doing the best they can with the tools they were given.
And you can’t take it personally because there’s a lot of ignorance out there and a lot of people sleep walking through life. Some people just don’t get it and will never get it…not in this lifetime any way and there’s nothing you can do about it so just accept what you’re feeling and be present with whatever arises. Every time I try and understand people and some of the choices they make, I get angry and I feel alone in my thoughts and beliefs and it makes me wish I never started down the spiritual path, but I would never go back…not for anything in the world.
I just have to honor my feelings as they come up and not label them as good or bad. Feelings are a part of life and we need to allow and accept all that is within us, which is why I laugh when someone asks how I’m doing and I say, “angry” and they look at me like I’m crazy. People think I’m always “happy,” but I’m human and I get downright mad at times and I’m not going to suppress my feelings and pretend they don’t exist because I know the anger or sadness or whatever I’m feeling will subside a lot sooner if I just allow myself to feel whatever it is I’m feeling.
Love Interrupted December 11, 2009
Posted by admin in : Relationships Tags:commitment, love, Relationships , add a commentAbout a month ago, I posted a piece about letting go of the dream to have a family, but in letting go, I realized a higher truth…my truth. The only two things I’ve ever known for certain were that my feelings were real and that I wanted a family, but somewhere along the line I allowed other people’s jaded views on relationships to interfere with mine. I’ve been told that moving in with someone or marrying someone or having a child with someone changes everything. The romance, the excitement of being together, the relationship; everything. Well of course it does…that’s life. We’re meant to evolve and grow and change is a part of the process and if the relationship doesn’t work out, so what? Move on.
If I were afraid of being hurt, I would have missed out on some really beautiful relationships. I don’t regret anything I’ve done because I’ve always jumped in headfirst and really lived whatever experience was before me regardless of how it ended. And maybe I’m not meant to be a mother or a wife, but I want to know that I at least have the option…that it’s a possibility. And if I’m not meant to exercise the option to have either, I, at the very least, want to know I’m with someone who loves me enough to want to share his life with me under the same roof…to share space with me and all my imperfections.
Sure, nothing will ever be as spectacular as the first moment you met or the first kiss you shared, but there’s something to be said about really getting to know someone and loving them that much more. I don’t want to wake up 10 years from now living in my house with my boyfriend living in his. I want to spend every night beside his warm body and wake up to the soft morning whisper of his voice. I want to have coffee with him and see each other off, as we begin our day. And I want to be there when he comes home from work to hear about his day and life and everything in between. I want to be there to support his dreams and share in his journey. I want to play and laugh and explore and live life together and I’m not going to settle for someone who would rather be alone than to take a chance in love.
We all have a past and we’ve all been hurt, but if you hold back your heart, then you are living in fear and you are living in past experience. How can you create new experiences and grow spiritually if you are not willing to take a chance and move forward? Life is too short not to open your heart and love like you’ve never been hurt, but perhaps some people are just not capable of the kind of love I have in my heart. I don’t know. I just don’t understand why someone would let the person they love walk away because they’re afraid of repeating the past. Only one of two things could happen. Either the relationship would work or it wouldn’t and if it didn’t, then you would be alone any way so why cho0se to be alone without giving it a chance. If it did work, then you would get to experience a love greater than you ever expected so why not at least try?
Surrender August 16, 2009
Posted by admin in : Relationships Tags:commitment, love, marriage, Relationships , add a commentI’m an idealist and someone who sees the world through rose-colored sunglasses. I believe in marriage and children and dream about the fairytale wedding, but the older I get, the more skepticism I face. In particular, the men I seem to attract are either previously married and jaded by the fact it didn’t work or just don’t have a desire to make that kind of commitment. If it were just them, it would be one thing, but a lot of people are cynics when it comes to matters of the heart. I’ve actually had people ask me if I ever thought about adoption or the possibility of freezing my eggs, which I found quite hysterical considering I’m not even 40 yet, but something hit home recently when someone said to me that maybe I wasn’t meant to be a mother or a wife…that perhaps God had other plans for me.
I struggled with this because I didn’t want to give up on my dream. I’m not a quitter. I’m a fighter and a believer in the power of manifestation and the law of attraction so I had to do some soul searching and self-inquiry. What I realized is that it isn’t about me giving up or losing faith. It’s about me making a conscious decision to let go and surrender something that is maybe not meant to be. Perhaps the advice I received was right and I’m not destined to be a wife or bring a child in to this world. Maybe my fate is different than what I thought or hoped for and it’s not to say I don’t believe in marriage anymore because I absolutely whole-heartedly do. But what I believe in even more than walking down the aisle is loving someone enough to be devoted to the relationship no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. I believe in a love where two people are willing to make sacrifices without detriment because true love is a commitment that far exceeds any ordinary relationship.
It’s much easier to walk away from something you’re not legally commited to so I always thought marriage was about making a statement of being fully devoted, but if you truly love someone with all your heart, than you would stay and work through anything whether you signed a marriage license or not. A faithful relationship means two people are willing to do whatever it takes to grow together and work though the difficult times. It demands a little more effort, but this is how seeds of growth are planted. With the right amount of light and love, these seeds germinate in the soul and transformation occurs on a deep spiritual level.
Take my friends and family for instance. I love them more than anything in this world and would never let anything come between us. I would give my life for any one of them and would do anything in my power to resolve an issue that came between us yet I’m not married or legally bound to them in any way. It’s just goes without saying.
I believe in the sappy fairytale dream of being utterly and passionately in love, but at the end of the day, I don’t need to be married to feel that kind of joy. I’m taking a new approach and making a choice to let go because I trust that whatever is meant to be will be.
Is Marriage Overrated? April 24, 2009
Posted by admin in : Relationships, Uncategorized Tags:commitment, love, marriage, Relationships , 1 comment so farWhy do so many people think marriage is overrated? Could it be because they’ve already experienced it and no longer need or want that kind of commitment in their life or is it that they had a bad experience and don’t want to feel hurt or loss again? Whatever the reason, it truly saddens me every time I hear someone say, “Why get married?” or “Don’t get married…everything changes.”
I believe in the sacred union of two people coming together to share their life and I believe in love…the kind of love that grows deeper every day…the kind of love that makes you want to do right in your life…the kind of love that makes your heart smile every time you look at the person you love…the kind of love that makes you want to get out of bed in the morning…the kind of love that gets you through the hard times and picks you up when life gets you down…the kind of love that has no boundaries…the kind of love that enables you to trust…the kind of love that makes you want to treat someone with respect…the kind of love that is eternal and sacred in the eyes of your higher self.
I don’t necessarily believe in having one eternal soul mate because people change and grow in different directions. I think we may have several loves in our life and that it’s okay to open our hearts more than once. Divorce isn’t a bad thing and I don’t think it’s bad to be married more than once. Relationships are beautiful and they shouldn’t have to end in tragedy. It’s just a separating of ways. Take the gifts and the beautiful lessons you learned from the relationship and walk away with an appreciation of the time you spent, but don’t say marriage is overrated. Of course everything changes…you’re married…you’re committed in a way you weren’t before. You’re more intertwined spiritually, emotionally, intellectually. You’re making a serious commitment to one another, which is sacred and meaningful in so many ways.
Making that kind of change in your life is difficult and challenging, as you are no longer growing individually, but collectively with another soul. It takes two very strong people to make that kind of step in life, but think about all the growth and insight you get from sharing your life so intimately. You get the opportunity to learn about yourself on a different level, as you grow and discover things about yourself you didn’t know. The downside is that yes, you might have to sacrifice the relationship because you’re no longer compatible once you realize who you really are, but it doesn’t make it a “loss.”
Having said all that, I do believe you get to a point in life when you are so comfortable with who you are as a person that it’s possible to meet someone and spend the rest of your life with that one person because you no longer need someone to fill a void in your life. Once you find yourself, you can experience life with another person in a whole different way, but you have to be confident in yourself and where you’re going and what you’re doing.
You have to be willing to own your own karmic baggage and not to use blame or guilt or issues to point fingers. You have to know how to communicate and be able to trust in yourself and your partner. You have to mutually respect one another and honor the relationship as something dynamic and ever changing. You have to accept your partner for who they are and not judge them or ask them to change. You have to be comfortable in your own skin and take time for yourself. It is possible and it’s not always easy, but marriage is a beautiful opportunity to fully engage with another human being on a healthy mature level. It’s magical and I don’t think it’s overrated. I think it’s fantastically beautiful!
So this is where my blog was going to end, but then I had a conversation with someone later in the evening that led me to ask the following questions:
Why get married? Why can’t you have a deep meaningful connection and level of commitment without having to legalize it by an ordained minister? Why can’t two people have a ceremonious relationship without actually having to be married?
Hmm…I don’t have an answer, but the thought of never being married makes me a bit sad. Perhaps it was always about the dream of wearing a beautiful white dress and walking down the aisle and being a princess for the day. Perhaps it was just the Cinderella fairytale I read in a book. I don’t know, but I have enough friends who are happily married to know that it’s a wonderful experience to be married to the person you love and I will not lose hope or faith in happily ever after.
Just for a Week November 28, 2008
Posted by admin in : Relationships Tags:consciousness, disappointment, freedom, letting go, present moment, Relationships, trust , add a commentI met a really special guy a couple weeks ago in my yoga class. He just so happened to walk in to the studio just as I approached the front door. We exchanged energy the moment our eyes met and then we practiced right next to one other so I was having a hard time keeping my eyes to myself. I know we’re not technically suppose to be looking at anyone, but I just couldn’t help it. He was extremely attractive and he had a beautiful body. His spirit felt so sweet and free and his energy seemed grounded but playful and his heart so open and genuine.
I thought it was quite ironic how I recently wrote a post about being free and finally being able to let go of my last relationship and then out of the blue I meet this guy, but that’s usually how life works. One door closes and another opens. Long story short, we end up spending the whole week together and had an amazing time. It felt really good to feel something for a guy, as it had been a long time coming. I actually started to believe I might not ever feel for anyone ever again, but then I saw this guy walk in to the studio and everything changed.
It was so refreshing to be in the energy of someone so spiritually connected and I don’t mean in the way of religion or ”God,” but in the way of being connected to life and living. He was definitely aware of something greater, as he was living life consciously and with divine awareness. He was one of the few who truly understood life and was one of the most real people I had ever met. I just felt so comfortable around him…like we had been friends for years.
We covered a lot of ground in the week we spent and I felt amazingly close to him just after 5 days. Being with him was intoxicating and absolutely surreal. We spent a lot of time talking about life, playing downtown and hiking in the North Georgia mountains. I was intrigued and fascinated by everything he had to say and I wanted to know more, but the week was all we had, as he was from the West Coast and here on business getting ready to fly to the other side of the world to manage a job for the next year and a half. I was really bummed the day he flew out, but I had to let it go, as everything happens for a reason and I firmly believe there are no such thing as coincidences. People come in to our lives for a reason and we may never know the “why,” but we have to trust in our higher selves even if we can’t intellectually wrap our minds around it.
I kept trying to figure out why this guy walked in to my life. I didn’t understand and thought maybe the Universe was playing a little cosmic joke on me. I would have moved across the world to be with this guy, as crazy as that sounds and I couldn’t explain it if I tried. It was just one of those things, but when it was all said and done I realized it wasn’t about me giving up my life for another man, as I had done so many times before. It was about me waking up so I could let go of the past and make room for the new. He came in to my life and and lit the fire that died with my last relationship…he reminded me of what was truly important and the kind of man I wanted in my life.
We have to trust in the moment and enjoy the ride, as it’s not about the destination. We waste too much time and energy trying to understand life and the things that happen to us that are beyond our comprehension, as we over think everything. There’s a lot of freedom in letting go and enjoying the moment. There wasn’t a lot I could do, but be thankful this man walked in to my life and shared his heart. Albeit brief, our time together was so very sweet and I’ll always remember the beautiful time we shared. It’s not always about understanding why something is happening. Sometimes its just about sitting with it…being with it…appreciating it and then releasing it to something much greater.