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Take off the mask August 9, 2009

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I use to wonder why people, including myself, felt the need to hide behind addictions or labels or titles or whatever masks we chose to wear in order to feel sanctified in the eyes of another. One couldn’t possibly know the answer to this question unless one took off the guise of deception and stopped hiding and the moment one experiences this emancipated state of vulnerability, the answer is clear.

People hide because they are scared of being hurt. If we didn’t live in such a judgmental insolent world where people drum to the beat of humanity instead of their own internal rhythm, we would have a lot more self-confidence and would seek refuge in the opinion of our higher selves instead of the mortals we idolize.  Control, greed, and power have brought civilization to its knees. The world began its decent, as religious tyranny, political ruin, and economic hardship made mankind insecure, judgmental, mind-driven machines that learned how to manipulate through the use of guilt and the art of manipulating lower emotions.

 It’s no wonder people don’t want to be vulnerable and true to their authentic self. There’s so much pain and suffering people get lost in the mind and become numb to what’s going on at a deeper level because they can’t withstand. We’ve slowly lost our identity and have allowed the collective whole to penetrate our psyche…our spirits buried under the intellectual and logical self becoming impervious to pain. The hurt we actually allow ourselves to feel is masked by our identity in a distracted attempt to protect our spirits. 

I didn’t realize this until I felt a kind of pain I had never felt before. It was different in the sense that it was no longer me, the victim, but me, the completely open and vulnerable with a tender heart me. One doesn’t feel pain quite so severely when there’s a wall built around the soul, but when you dig through the layers of the onion and take off the masks and awaken to your essential self, the pain is felt at a much deeper level. It’s a raw organic pain that doesn’t feel like the “woe is me” pain, but a true heart wrenching uninhabited tenderness that seeps through every pore of your being. The mind isn’t telling you stories and the heart begging for sympathy. It’s as if the world stops and your body becomes so real and so firmly rooted in truth. 

Talking about it defies its very nature because it’s not a story to be told like some trashy column written as gossip and published for the masses, but a hard physical sensation penetrating deep within the recesses of your being. You’re so conscious and aware of the profound aching, you want to put the mask back on and continue on with the facade, but you can’t. It’s like the pain is holding you down starring you in the face. There’s nowhere to run and no place to hide. It’s just you and the energy that holds the agonizing moment of despair.

I wish I could say, “Stay behind the mask and never experience the kind of pain one would feel standing naked before the world,” but it would go against everything I believed. Digging through layers and layers of crap to get to the real you is where it’s all at because it is in knowing your higher self that light begins to shine through. How can one be open and able to heal and make this world a better place if the waters of the soul are murky and the sky cloudy with dark matter? Once the spiritual path is discovered and made clear of karmic debris, the spirit shines like sunlight through a quartz crystal. It’s clear and vibrant and relentless in its ability to shine in all directions. To not truly open up one’s heart and feel the kind of raw organic pain we deny ourselves is to deny ourselves the very magic of life.

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Petrified of an MRI February 9, 2009

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After 6 months of weekly doctor visits and physical therapy appointments, my neck still wasn’t healed from the accident back in July so I finally gave in and told the doctor I would get an MRI, although I was terrified. Being claustrophobic, I was scared to death at the thought of being braced down and put in some tube while beams of magnetic rays captured images of my neck. I expressed my apprehension with the doctor so he wrote me a prescription for Valium. I felt relieved knowing I could take something to alleviate the anxiety, but the more I thought about it, the more I was opposed to it.

I considered my body a temple so it was important to take care of it. Although I’m a yogi aficionado, I’m certainly not a textbook purist. I just do the best I can when it comes to eating healthy and making decisions that affect my mental and physical state of being, which means putting as few chemicals in to my body as possible. I realized taking one Valium wouldn’t kill me, but it was more than just taking a pill. Part of my journey was about getting in touch with my body and mind and finding a healthy balance between the two. Covering up my fear would only suppress it more so if I was afraid of the dark and being confined, then I needed to get in touch with the fear and heal it instead of taking a chemical to mask it.

I decided to get the prescription filled anyway because I thought it would be better to have it just in case I changed my mind at the last minute, but then I got up to the counter at the pharmacy and couldn’t find my debit card. I must have left it in my jeans pocket or a jacket or something because it wasn’t anywhere to be found. I didn’t have enough cash on me so I knew it was a sign. I was meant to embrace the fear and see it through so I let it go and went home. Ironically, I later discovered my debit card in my purse. It was there the whole time so I knew without a doubt that I made the right decision.

I spoke to my mom later that afternoon and she asked me how long I typically meditated for in the mornings. I told her 20 minutes so she said I should just meditate since the procedure would take about the same amount of time. Right! Of course. Why didn’t I think of that? I felt empowered and ready to face my fear, but the morning of the appointment came and my body shut down. The closer I got, the more nervous I felt. My chest felt like it was caving in and my heart wouldn’t stop racing. The back of my throat was constricted and my body tensed with fear. I could feel the switch as the sympathetic nervous system kicked in and my body went in to fight or flight.

The technician could tell I was scared to death so she told me not to worry…that I would be fine…that she could hear me and I could hear her and we would be connected the entire time. The moment she braced me in, my entire body froze and tears welled up in my eyes, but I was scared to cry because I didn’t want to move. I was told that in order for a MRI to be effective, the person had to remain completely still and I didn’t want to go through it again so I was determined to get it right the first time.

I closed my eyes and brought my awareness to the breath just as I did every morning when I sat to meditate. Inhale…exhale…inhale…exhale. But wait…that noise…it’s really loud…oh, her voice…I hear her voice…I’m okay…she’s with me…inhale…exhale…noise….really loud overbearing sounds of magnetic rays coming from the machine…panic…I’m okay…inhale…exhale…more noise…my heart…noise…I can’t breathe…inhale…exhale. 

It was the longest 20 minutes of my life, but I survived the terror even though I was stiff as a board when the technician pulled me out of the tube and released the harness that held my neck and head in place. She smiled and said, “Now that wasn’t so bad, now was it?” I looked up at her and felt the surge of adrenaline rush out from the center of my chest, as my body released the fear and tension from being absolutely petrified. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and the sweet lady just sat there with me, as she gave me the space to release the emotion and fear I had harbored for so long.

I walked out feeling light and free, but being claustrophobic was not something that would just go away at the drop of a hat. It would take time and more experiences of sitting with the fear and making the decision not to run. Had I taken the Valium, I wouldn’t have released what I did, as it wasn’t meant to be a quick fix…it was about me sitting with the fear and breathing through it. Fear only has power over you if you allow it. It’s not going to overtake you or kill you. It may paralyze you or prevent you from having peace in your life, but you are the one who decides, as the only thing to fear is fear itself. 

I took the images to my doctor immediately after and he said, “Wow…these are the best images I’ve ever seen…I’ve never known anyone to sit still enough to get this kind of clarity…you were either calm as a cucumber or paralyzed with fear.” HA! I laughed and said, “If you only knew.”

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