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Feeling Pain April 24, 2010

Posted by admin in : Relationships, Spiritual Growth , add a comment

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To be able to feel pain is an extraordinary gift. Human suffering manifests in many forms taking shape in our bodies, minds, and hearts. Sometimes it just brushes the surface of our existence and other times it takes on a life of its own. Whatever form it takes or vessel it ensues, pain is meant to be a guide. It is not our enemy, as there is so much to gain from sitting in the midst of a taxing endeavor.

A couple months ago I found myself at an impasse and had to walk away from a romantic relationship. It was a tumultuous time and my heart ached, as I loved this person dearly. I did everything in my power to move on, but the pain weighed me down like a cement block shackled to the ground. Life as I knew it turned grey and bleak. Tears were plenty and many nights unrested.

Had I not allowed myself to fall in love, I could have picked up the shattered pieces of my heart easily and moved on without feeling such intense emotional pain, but instead I was left with the void he once filled. I struggled, as I tried to understand why something so beautiful had to come to pass. I knew it was suppose to happen because it happened. I just didn’t understand why. My thinking mind was tormenting and I fell powerless under the dark cloud that loitered my soul.

My heart felt hollow, as I ached to know why. I felt abandoned and my ego rejoiced in being the victim. How did I end up here and when would the destructive forsaken cycle end? When would loss cease to affect me and was it possible to let go of the past mental conditioning and create a new path for myself?

As I asked these questions, I began to become painfully aware of what was going on beneath the surface. I thought I was angry at the man who broke my heart. I wanted to be mad at him, but it wasn’t he who broke my heart. It was I who broke my heart. In losing myself to the relationship and taking up residence in his life, I disconnected from my own life leaving my inner child to fend for yourself. It was a pattern of self-abandonment I came to know well, as it was familiar and safe and deeply rooted in my psyche.

Losing someone I loved was simply the catalyst, a trigger if you will. The despair and pain I felt over the loss had taken me to my knees in order for me to truly see the deeply embedded issue of emotional neglect. That is what I needed to resolve and I knew I had compromised myself for the last time. I couldn’t change what was happening in the moment, but I could listen to the inner child screaming out and come to her rescue. She had been trying to reach out to me for a really long time, but it wasn’t until my heart was raw with grief that I finally heard her.

You can’t heal that which you are not aware and pain makes you conscious and gets you in touch with your inner most self, but you have to stop looking outward because the answers come from within. There was sadness around losing the man I loved, but the true heart-wrenching pain was from losing myself and in reconnecting to myself I was able to release the fear of abandonment, which opened me up to a much greater love than I ever expected and that is the love of myself.

It is our responsibility to seek out the greater truth in what we feel, but that means being with the heart and not being afraid of feeling strong emotions such as fear, hate, anger, sadness, and/or jealously.  We have to stop self-medicating or distracting ourselves from the disquiet, as we are not truly living and growing spiritually if we brush our unease under the carpet or give it away unfairly. We have to own it, embrace it, and then rise above it.

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